So it’s at the end of August and 2 weeks has passed since she said she would be mine. 1 week since she left me. I remember a question on my Ask.FM a week ago. What song do you relate to now? At the time, I couldn’t give an answer. I didn’t know of a song that could adequately describe my situation. Now, my answer would be Red by Taylor Swift. Never thought I’d see the day a break up song of hers could apply to me.
On the Wednesday 2 weeks ago, we went to Clarke Quay. As we were walking through Central, they played Close Your Eyes by Michael Bublé. I couldn’t remember the song title then but it was probably the song I could relate to most then. How things have changed haven’t they? It was so fast. A week of joy then a week of pain. What will it be for the next week then? What an eventful 2 weeks of Studio Project this has been.
I waited too long to tell her I was going to throw aside my insecurities and trust her because I took too long to realise that was what was driving us apart. Was going to tell her last last Friday but got walled off and I didn’t know why exactly. I had chances to try and get back with her, didn’t take them. The last chance I had when I finally found out what it was, I took it. But then it was all too late. She said she thought through it all and figured that it was her, not me. I remember what someone from Group 3 or 4 had said. If a girl told him “it wasn’t him, it was her”, he’d just fuck it all and told her, “ Yea it’s not me, it’s you.” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I didn’t know if she was right to say it. I didn’t know her very well. But I was angry alright that she had the balls to say that when she knew jack shit about me. How does she know it wouldn’t be me?
She told me she didn’t want to hurt me by not letting us go further and me falling deeper for her. It was kind of too late, I had already fallen too deep for her and already smashed myself on the bottom of the canyon. I was reminded of what she had once said, that couples hurt each other and after it all, they get together stronger. I don’t even get a chance to heal the damage I caused.
She once said she wanted to see where we would go. And then I had the same thought as her. I too wanted to see where we could go. But she just didn’t want to give me a chance to make up for my week of insecurities that I imposed on her. She even cried because she didn’t want to be the bad guy but I made her one. She said I was too nice for her. What a reason to give for a break up. In the end, I accepted it when she said she knows herself and she knows what she wants. I took it it that I wasn’t. So I gave it up. I gave up trying to pull her back.
But I didn’t let go. I couldn’t. I had joined the class again for lunch yesterday, a pretty big step in trying to put my life back together. Turns out that was a huge fucking mistake because she laughed. A lot. Doesn’t help me to let her go when I am being exposed so much to one of the reasons why I fell in love with her in the first place, her laughter. By the gods it was so painful, I had to channel some Iron Turtle to protect myself. It hurt less but at the same time, I felt nothing else but pain. The Iron Turtle doesn’t discriminate between good and bad emotions. The Iron Turtle is a bastard.
Friday ended and some were doing overtime to catch up on their schedules. Her included. She couldn’t join a bro and I for dinner as her group was being kinda assholes to her for work reasons. So we brought the dinner to her, a sandwich from Subway. It was exactly everything she would have ordered. All of that I remembered from the Wednesday we spent at Clarke Quay. The bro remarked that I’d be the boyfriend that does nice things for the girl that no one else would notice. Would I really? As I was bringing the sub back to her, I could hear it screaming from a mile away, “You’re too nice for me, Tom. You’re too nice…” And I was right. It was literally like the 3rd or 4th line she said,” You’re so nice.” Was I really? The bro knows about all this and told me to be a good ex-boyfriend if I can’t be a good boyfriend for her. But of course, I am greedy and don’t want to be an ex.
Earlier on Friday, as I was walking back with a groupmate, we talked about how I couldn’t let go and how I want her back. And he said something, a quote from The Fault In Our Stars. “Oh, I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.” Likewise, I thought, it would have been a privilege to be hurt by her. But I was denied this pleasure. I don’t mind. She does.
Do I acknowledge that we're over? Yeah, pretty much. Do I accept it? No other choice, right? But can I let go of it? Not yet. Not just yet.
