24/12/14 - Dead inside.

So it's Christmas Eve. I suppose it's time for the customary holiday greetings of Merry Christmas, so Merry Christmas, my pathetically few readers. It's term break and we have 2 weeks of holidays, which we are currently in the first week of. Much progress has been made on my YouTube deficit and I already have videos piling on. The girl is making me watch Doctor Who, How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. Great because I've always wanted to watch them and now I don't have to go look for it but then bad because that's a ton of shit to watch. But that's not the point of this post and I won't bore you with my extremely ordinary life.

Just before I started writing this, I had a thought, that one shouldn't have too high hopes or else when the reality hits that it just isn't so, you won't be too disappointed. That made me realise how much of a pessimist I was. How little faith I had. How dead I was inside. And how deeply hollow I am. I feel so... dead. That's really the only way I can think of to summarise it. Allow me to explain.

My grandmother raised me from young. Since I've had cognitive function, she was the one who bathed me and cooked for me and washed my clothes, all the typical jazz. That's pretty much 10 years of my life that I spent with her. And when she died a little more than a year ago, I felt absolutely nothing. No emotion at all, no joy, no sadness. There was only emptiness. The nothingness was absolute when the news came that she had died alone in a hospital in Johor Bahru, when she was still alive and well 3 days before when I visited and a week before she was sent to live in an old folks' home in JB.

It was so unexpected to me that she could have died when she was such a strong person who could go on and on and fucking on about pointless shit decades ago and had such a powerful voice, the Nords would have thought she possessed the Thu'um. The emptiness matched the emptiness of the house, which was not filled with her droning when I came back home from school. My heart was calm and still. I'm not sure if it was a coping mechanism that I completely feel nothing or I have already come to terms with death since not having a father from young or was it that I am an actually really heartless person.

Similarly, my sister was also hit with appendicitis some time 3 years ago. She endured great pains and woke up one morning blind from it, well not really, she just couldn't see anything even with her eyes open. Not sure how that could have been derived from a dead rotting vestigial organ in her body but okay. And so she was hospitalised. Not once did I visit her. Nor that time my granny fell down a slope returning home from buying my lunch and cracked her head and bled. Did not visit either. Was I worried? No. I wasn't. I absolutely wasn't.

Shit, I really don't know. On one hand, death is inevitable. But to feel absolutely nothing when it comes knocking is a different matter altogether. I wouldn't say I'm an impressionable person either. Each time, more and more is needed to elicit some sort of reaction from me. If it's not bigger or better than the last time, I won't be impressed or amused.

Emotions emotions emotions, I wonder if I have any at all sometimes. As I am writing this, I am feeling empty. So so empty.

18/12/2014 - Is sad the new normal?

So I've been told by a couple people, both girls actually, and both people who are or had been a special part of my life that I look sad sometimes(a lot). Well it was nice that they noticed and cared enough to ask. But that got me thinking, do I have a resting sad face, or is it that I'm sad so often that I actually don't notice that I am any more and it becomes normal to me? It becomes the new baseline? Or was it that I took a blow so hard that it now takes an even sadder thing to make me begin to notice that I am sad even though I already was?

I'll never know for sure. Sometimes, I am an enigma even to myself.

13/12/2014 - The Threeway

So before I start talking about the The Threeway, no, it is in no way related to anything sexual, and I would like to just give a brief summary of my life so far since the last post some 2 weeks ago. Geez, that actually seemed like ages ago. Time is so fucked up now. Just last weekend I was sitting as I sit here writing this now and thought of something that happened this year way before April and I thought, man that seemed like just yesterday. Then I remembered it's already December.

Anyway, G-motherfucking-G, killed off 3 assignments this week and have 3 more next week I think. Really exhausted by all the schoolwork recently. But in a flash, it's already Week 8 and only one more week till the term break. Would you look at that. Just last week was Thailand trip too. Nope, that shit was 8 weeks ago. Man. Really need to just have a weekend to myself to catch up on sleep and like possibly 600+ YouTube videos I have accumulated on my To Be Watched list. It's actually close to 1 200 videos in total on the list and I'm at video 577. That's a long ways to go and the list grows exponentially. Also need to work, even if just for a week, I got to. I need the money. For stuff and things. Big plans in my life coming up.

Alright now, the Threeway. It's actually nothing more than the 3 sides of me that I can see. Ooooh, I'm schizophrenic. Yea sure. Anyway this is just some 3 very basic sides of me, there's of course more to me than just these 3 sides but they are some very defining sides I guess.

The first side is my side profile from the left. Just kidding. I mean the righteous(to my subjective meaning of it anyway) side of me where I feel guilt and sadness for being a douche/asshole to people. This side comes out usually when I'm a douche/asshole to people I love and so far it's only ever come out for one person. The one person that makes me watch my words or my actions because I would never in any way want to cause permanent grievous hurt to that person. This is also the side that makes me love humanity sometimes for the tiny beacons of hope in a universe of the ugly. Also somewhat the side that makes me honest about all most of my thoughts and confess them to the person.

The next side is my asshole side. The side that ruled my life in Sec 1 and 2, possibly most of 3. The tumultuous time when I was a little prick to everybody around me, like seriously, I'm quite surprised that I have friends that stuck with me from that period till now, people like Jonathan, Ian, Chee, Shao and Ryan. Probably have my disgusting sense of humour to thank for that. I thought this side had died back in mid Sec 4, around middle of 2013 up till recently, when I sensed its stirring beneath the veneer of my mind. Invasive thoughts that put poison in my head and made me think nasty stuff about that person. I did not like that and I hope this side of me stays dead for as long as possible.

The last side of me is what I have nicknamed the Iron Turtle for that is what it is, I become a turtle and shell myself away from the people in my life. It's a very destructive period when this side of me comes up as I usually avoid people whom I'm not so close with and minimise contact even with those I'm close to. The last time this side of me made a major resurgence, which was around end August this year, I purged my contact list of people I wasn't really close to and also redefined what the word "friend" meant to me. Under that new definition, the amount of people I would actually consider friends became drastically reduced. Now this wasn't actually a bad thing, it made me appreciate those that stayed in that list even more, with special mention to my three fireflies, whom I can never thank enough for the light they gave in a time of darkness. This is a particularly nasty side of me that I hope can stay dead as long as possible. I quite like my life as it is now and I would fucking hate that this son of a bitch is poking his head into it as it has several times now since August. If the fucking Iron Turtle gets to sit on me again, I might just lose my ability to love and live. But I'm probably stronger than that.

So that was this blog post, probably won't be another one for another 2 weeks or so. We'll see.