Me

Honestly I couldn't have picked a better time to have the feels for writing a blog post, it's just past 3am now and I'm struck by the feels to write a blogpost. At least my lessons are at 12 noon tomorrow. Got a beer by me and it's time to let loose my inner writing demon. Feel like I should talk about myself lately, it's been rather rough and kinda just gotta let it out a little.

Right now, I got my music on and I'm ready to just get into the vibe of writing. Honestly, if anyone listens to my choice of music, there's usually only a couple things that happen, 1, they assume I'm a clubber, 2, they've usually never heard of more than a quarter of the songs in my playlist at any one time (for my last 3 playlists at least). Well they're not wrong that I club, except I do it at my seat in front of my computer. I've never set foot in a club mainly because I don't see the point of getting it on surrounded by strangers, sweat and spilled beer. I'd much rather do it with some close friends though most aren't the clubber type. And they've never heard of the music I listen to before because most of the time, they're not into electronic music, and even if they are, the titles I listen to mostly aren't mainstream, at least not locally. I'd be hard pressed to find more than 2 people I know who know what Monstercat is. This is also why I avoid going to karaokes because more often than not, the songs I know or want to sing won't be available because they aren't mainstream.

Lately, the deadlines are closing in and I've been feeling so choked and suffocated. In the sense that I just become so busy that everything I do isn't sort of for me, I am not enjoying what I'm doing. Yes, Kendo has been rather taxing, it just burns me out so much that for most of the rest of the week I'm just trying to heal up for the next training. I think I love Kendo, the Sensei is passionate, it is fun and I'm really loving having people try to kill me (sounds real masochist but I do admit I do swing that way just a little), but it is just a tad too killer for me. I hate to miss out on trainings, in fact, I've just missed 2 in a row, which is much needed so that I could work on my assignments and myself a little but it honestly bums me out because I feel like these 2 were particularly important, having been just after Sumi Sensei, an 8th dan Sensei, graced us with his teachings. I just feel like there is so much to learn (probably a little too much for me actually) and I've just missed out on so much that it really sucks. If things go well, I might be able to turn up for the coming training on Friday at least.

But besides Kendo, the work lately has just made it incredibly claustrophobic. I feel like I'm drowning half the time, I'm exhausted, I'm burned out and I need some time for me, to watch some videos, to play a couple games, and just relax a little. The stress is kinda overwhelming. I'm on edge most of the time and I'm so lethargic sometimes I catch myself just blanking out during group conversations. I've never felt this much stress before, not in Secondary School or DGAD. In Sec school I honestly just couldn't be bothered. In DGAD, I was tired most of the time but I've never felt stress, even doing 3D modelling or during crunch time (well maybe a little, but I never felt this suffocated). Things at home hasn't exactly been relaxed at all, if anything, there's only been more pressure.

Just a short break before I go back to talking about me, at this point I've run out of my beer and I'm not keen on making this the time I open a Guinness for the first time. I wouldn't be able to enjoy my virgin experience! That said, I do just feel like I need to get a little more drunk, a moment of revelry in a time of darkness. It may become a toxic habit soon enough, if I use ethanol as a way to escape my troubles, though it seems so far to be the only thing capable of making me think of things other than them.

Thankfully, I'm not alone. I do have friends by my side in this tough time. Though I may not openly express it (a pertinent issue with me), I am actually rather grateful for them. Other friends may not be quite as... distracting. They just have a way of making me forget about the strife for the short time I'm with them, though sometimes, my obligations have a way of nagging at the back of my mind to return to my work, for it is certain that I will spend at least half my time just blankly staring at my work, incapable of formulating a proper solution for it. I will not say who you are, but you know who you are. Thank you.

As of now, in my foreseeable future, I just don't think I have the time to do everything I want to do. I have many games to play, I buy them but I never have the time to get around to playing them. I have so many videos to watch on YouTube. As of now, my backlog sits at exactly 1808 videos, though this is definitely more than likely to change the moment tomorrow comes. I have a recorder that I want to get to learning, not sure if I've mentioned this earlier but I've found out that there is actually a whole lot more notes you can play with it than I was taught in primary school, just think about the world I'm missing out on.

Since I'm on the topic of music, I suppose this is the tangent I will head off on for now. I've actually considered joining Soundcard, which is a basically a singing CCA in NYP. I actually used to sing while playing the League O Leggo with my Sec sch friends, of course, they hated it most the time. Hell, I probably would have too. Well I do think I can sing, I just have a problem with opening up in front of others without alcohol loosening my inhibitions, which includes dancing as well and why I failed ballroom auditions. For the matter, I think most of my songs would either be EDM or something obscure they've most likely never heard before like ARTTM, who are sadly disbanded.

I also, a little known fact by most, have taken up to 2nd grade in Piano, surprise. Though I must again admit that I actually have forgotten most of it. I can probably only play up to Grade 1 songs as of now. A friend is encouraging me to get back into it and I can't say I don't want to, I just have several reservations about it. For one, I'm rather old now, I'm almost 20 and way out of the period of time where my brain is flexible enough to learn music quickly. I don't have a lot of time either, given that NS is coming up, I have Kendo, I have so many videos to watch and so many games to play. I also probably don't want to learn it professionally, because it will require me to get graded and in order to be graded I will have to learn classical pieces and I'm honestly just not into them. I'd much rather play pop songs (as much I don't listen to pop), game theme songs and EDM songs, of which I'm quite sure the latter 2 don't have a huge following or would be easily recognisable. I also hate to associate myself with notes, I can barely read music now and it honestly just fucks me up to read some squiggles on lines. If I do pick it up, I will probably try to do it by ear and YouTube and I doubt it is an easy task to learn an entire song that way, especially when the tones are made artificially too.

Enough talk about music though, I shall perhaps talk about a topic that I've always wanted to talk about but kinda didn't really get the chance to. No longer will I push it back to a later date, it just seems that the later I push it, the less likely it is that it'll ever be fleshed out. It has been a while since I broke up with my last ex. In a couple days, it would have been one full year since. She seems to not have wasted any time, I don't doubt that she's gone on dates with at least 2 guys within 3 months, as of now, given the little I know, she appears to be in a relationship with someone, saying words that she used to say about us. Honestly, sometimes I act like I hate her and I do, but other times, I do wish that she does eventually find her happiness and break her own curse. I don't think we can ever return to a state of friendship like I did with another "ex" (honestly now that I think back, we were only ever b/gf in name) because I can't help but feel like in some way, she has betrayed me, though to my knowledge she never physically cheated on me. Emotional cheating isn't any better in any case.

I used to have all these ideals on what I want in my partner but now honestly, I feel it's a little foolish. Right now I just hope I can find a girl who is willing to stick with me while I am building up myself and can understand me. Sounds kinda selfish, now that I say it out. I guess I'm just tired of having to always wonder if I'm a good boyfriend and if we'll work out in the long run. I guess I just haven't had a relationship where I've felt like the girl hasn't expected some kind of fairy tale Prince Charming. For some reason, girls seem to only be after a finished product, if the guy is in the midst of developing himself, he's not even considered. I can only say, before a diamond is worth anything, it has to first be cut and polished, before then, it's just another rock. You gotta help each other to realise their potential and build each other up. If it is just one person carrying the other up, you can bet they'll eventually tire of lofting you.

I guess I'll end it here. I've spent almost 2 hours writing this. I've been sober for a while now and this is probably by far the longest blogpost I've ever written. Not sure when the next one will be. I suppose this will serve as some sort of snapshot of my thoughts at this current juncture in my life. Until then,

Toodles~

Hobby

It's been more than a while since my last post, about 4 weeks in fact, maybe more. I've just been sorta lost in the buzz of life back at school and the like. This will probably be more of an update post, I wish I'd have the time to talk about other things but I don't quite have the luxury. Maybe in a couple week's time I would.

So in the time between my last post and now, I've expanded my pen collection to include a TWSBI Eco, Jinhao X750 and a couple more Platinum Preppies. I won't talk too much about them lest this turns into a pen review post instead of an update. I'll just say that the Eco is by far my most interesting pen and the X750 writes better than I expected for a mere 10SGD. I'd seriously recommend the X750 for anyone interested in getting into fountain pens. It may not be a Safari or Kaweco but hey, if you don't decide they are your thing, it's just 10SGD and it writes comparatively similarly to a Safari. Plus it doesn't have the weird section.

I've also joined the NYP Kendo club. I'll be honest in saying that I am not particularly interested in Kendo as Kendo but rather more interested in Kenjutsu. But hey, Kenjutsu just isn't as prolific as Kendo and for now, it will serve my purposes, which is a way of testing my tenacity, keeping fit and letting myself free, in the sense that I get to get in touch with my more primal side. So far I can only say that I have been much discouraged from staying, economically it is rather costly, and it also takes up roughly 10h every week from my free time. I won't say it is a test of my time management because honestly, I'm not making it so and let's be honest, I can't manage my time and I don't bother to, that's just not who I am. As for my fellow juniors in Kendo, I can only say I am highly disappointed by them.

I could tell that some of them totally have no knowledge about anything at all, and yet they are talking as if they know a lot. I've heard one of them say a shinai is a weapon. No, no it is not. If they wanted to make it a weapon, they would have made it out of solid wood instead of bamboo staves that can flex so it makes the hit hurt less. That among other things that have quite escaped my mind. I just wish they wouldn't claim to know stuff that isn't true.

Is it fair to extend my expectations to strangers as well? Given that I am also an inexperienced Kendoka, am I hypocritical if I say they are subpar? I've only attended about 5 trainings so far, and in that 5, what I have seen has only disappointed. It is a dojo, a place of respect and yet, many are laissez-faire in their bearing, standing improperly, holding the shinai improperly, using it as a walking cane, mind you, leaning on it for support and even 3 weeks into the CCA I am still seeing it. I shall not go on before I make the rest of this paragraph solely about this. Let me move on to their kiai, which is a sort of battle cry before we attack. And now, what's the purpose of a battle cry? To show your strength, courage and will to fight. It is to intimidate your opponent and demonstrate your prowess. When they kiai, a small child might start laughing. And I don't mean the girls' kiai. Of course theirs wouldn't be as strong, I am talking about the guys'. Seriously, it's just that weak, they don't shout during the warm-ups either. Absolutely deplorable.

Moving on to the strikes, they all hit, I mean tap, with the absolute lightest touch. It's not just the girls doing it, now it might be that they aren't as strong, that is fine, but even guys are doing that, what the fuck? I had a guy barely hit me for every strike he made. I don't even. And so many of them are afraid of hitting and getting hit. Then let me ask you, if you are not a warrior at heart, then why did you join the fight? It might be better for you to sit at home in front of your fire with a book in your lap than in the fields of battle in front of your enemy with a sword in your hand. And yes, I know that's no longer what Kendo is anymore but that was what it was about when it was born, a way of training for war without using steel.

But I will say that I do like the sensei actually, he does have a passion for the sport. I quote,

"I don't want finances to get in the way of you learning Kendo if you have the passion." 

Now, I've never seen someone so dedicated in getting people to join that he's willing to go out of his way to talk to people and see how much of a discount he can help us get for our gear. It's really impressive and he's certainly got my respect.

And as you may have noticed, these are my latest hobbies, however, as I have stated in my previous post, I have expensive tastes and so far that has proven true. Kendo is likely to cost me 800-1000SGD and my pens aren't all that cheap either (though surprisingly cheaper than Kendo, as it turns out). I think I will continue with Kendo though, I do quite enjoy it actually.