So it's been the holidays for gods know how many weeks now. I'm guessing 3, but I might be wrong, or remarkably correct. My days have been devolved into slipping in and out of a nocturnal and diurnal life, I can't seem to stick to one. I'd much rather it be nocturnal but my family seems to be having none of it. Figure I'm going to talk about Kendo and I at the moment.
Now, you might have guessed from the title, if so, good on you. Right now, I feel like I'm stuck in a feedback cycle. Ever since that stretch of time that I refrained from going because of my flu and cough, I just seem to have lost all motivation to go for it. See, I don't exactly have any friends there. It's really hard for me to make friends because I don't like to waste time and myself on people who might not be there several years down the road (not exactly going to make any friends if I think of it that way, I know) and especially if I don't see them daily for several days. There's not exactly much time to socialise before, during or after CCA either. And so, because I don't really have friends there, I am not very compelled to go. Which leads to me being unable to know them better because well, I'm not there. Which leads to me not forging closer ties and then me not wanting to go, which just feeds itself endlessly until I eventually just quit Kendo.
I honestly think holidays are ruining me. Ever since that really long one after the O levels, it seems to only have gotten worse. I just enter my cocoon and sink ever deeper into it. It's not that I mind being by myself or that no one "bothers" me. I actually quite enjoy it, apart from the potential boredom that might arise. It's just that when I need to go out and do things, I don't ever get around to doing it or wanting to do it, even if it was something that I wanted to do originally.
I'm quite bored with living, to be honest. Not that I'd go and kill myself, it's just I don't particularly have anything to live for. I don't want to die either but I just feel shackled. I'm shackled by the circumstances of my birth, not that I mind the socio economic status, I honestly think I have it better off than most people, just the circumstances of where I was born. I don't see the point in giving 2 years of my life for a country I won't lay down my life for, nor they for me, let's be honest. No offense, but I don't see anything worth saving in this culture and society. Individual people, I'd do it maybe. This nation? Sorry, but there's really nothing to save here for me and if you forced me to do it, I'd do a shit job, if not kill myself doing it. (Beginning to go on a tangent so I'll stop after my last point, what's the point in forcing someone who has no wishes to defend your country to do so? I'm referring to that NZ guy some months ago that was being forced to come back to serve. Dude, the guy left when he was 5. You are literally unable to remember things from before you're 3. The dude has only really lived 2 years here and probably remembers jack shit from it. And he gained nothing from Singapore except his vaccinations. If I were him, I'd probably laugh at the gov and said, "Great, have no plans to come here anyway.")
Anyway, fuck it. Toodles~
