So I've been back for a little over a week now. Not a single update while I was in Oz, I did have an unfinished draft written, but in hindsight, it is probably best I don't publish it. Perhaps in time it will see the light of day.
It was as if I had returned to a dream instead, and there was the real world.
In honesty, my time in Australia was probably the dream rather than the real world, I can't say I like being back. Who does? Well actually, Elson does lol. The dream lasted a little too long perhaps, I'd been poisoned hard and beyond salvation. I haven't a clue how to continue in this reality, everything is dull,
pointless.
Going through the motions.
I can't quite put a date on when it began exactly, but ever since I touched down in SG, it began to weigh more heavily on my mind. I just feel so worn out to do anything at all, talk to people, get back to work, work on myself. I just don't feel like doing anything. Just living day to day, scraping together just enough effort to make it to the next.
Melancholic ecstasy.
I find myself getting more and more fucked up as well. Now, to be fair, I was pretty fucked up before but there's just this sudden slip into a gently sloped descent towards madness. I find myself cackling over things that are morbid, borderline suicidal and frankly desolate. If I wasn't losing my mind before, I probably am now. The thing is, I've always known myself to be a psychopath, and I indeed have all the tendencies, minus the confidence, but I have to admit, even for a psychopath, these recent developments are rather out of line.
Throw me a lifebuoy made of alcohol.
I don't want to say that I have depression, but it's honestly looking like I will if I don't already have it. Thing is, I know my cure, problem is, it is a long, long ways away and all along the way will be obstacles that will definitely worsen the situation. I've always been a rather tenacious bugger, I'm just not quite so sure I will have the motivation to pull through. As it is, I've got barely enough to even go to school, much less on time and what not. Let's just hope that
Deafening silence, bound by fetters, weighed by stone, sinking towards an inevitable quietus.
