A suicide letter to no one in particular.

It's almost half a year since I last made a blog post and the first thing I write about is a suicide letter?! Well no, not quite. I don't quite think I'm actually going to commit suicide, but I think I'm dying soon. Maybe not physically, but rather essentially. And so rather it's more like a will than a suicide letter really. Rather the contents of what I will write more closely matches that of a suicide letter than a will, I think. I've neither read a suicide letter nor a will before in all honesty. Should I perhaps start with a catch up before I go on about my suicide letter? I think I shall.

So after FYP, it was a study semester, honestly nothing I really have to say about that. After the study semester ended, I spent my time watching animes that I've been meaning to watch for a while, Parasyte, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Cowboy Bebop and Ghost in the Shell (1995 anime film, not the 2017 one) for example. I can't say that they haven't changed me for I don't think I've ever felt quite the same after experiencing them. They changed me in a way that I couldn't perceive but the shift was palpable. I also went to Taiwan for my grad trip and I have to say it was very fun for me and refreshing, even if my friends think I spent a little too much time on my phone, which doesn't necessarily mean I wasn't involved, I just need to escape being human for a while, more on that later. I cooked some food at home as well, something I enjoyed doing but never really had the mood to do it for a long time. I honestly doubt I did anything really meaningful in the 2 months since the end of the exams though. I was aware I had neglected my blog, but I wasn't aware that it was this neglected that I went almost half a year without a single post.

Watching those anime that I previously mentioned and also just life in general since the end of FYP has given me a new outlook on life, the impending "death" also probably has a part to play on this. I've mentioned it before, I have always felt very detached from reality. But recently it seems the rift has increased quite a lot. I'm finding it harder and harder to just be a human. Ambiguous, I know. Honestly, what does Tom even mean by "human" anyway? It's a multitude of many things really. My morals for one, is considered at best unorthodox, at worst, perverse, depending on which specific aspect we're considering. Perhaps a little nihilistic, things that most people value, I do not, not that there are many things I value out there in the first place. Things like reaching achievement milestones and the like. Interacting with people. I honestly think I could do with not interacting with humans at all, not that I don't enjoy my interactions with people, I do enjoy many of my interactions with others, but that rather if no one ever spoke to me again, I probably would not feel aggrieved (as long as it does not impact my lifestyle, i.e. no more internet or electricity, etc). So that's what I meant by being human, in other words, an actual person, not some kind of otherworldly inhuman.

About my death, just what does Tom mean by "death" anyway, you ask, how grotesquely morbid. I recently had a revelation (my personal opinion, not necessarily true) that we are merely ghosts in meat shells (yes, it's a reference to Ghost in the Shell, but I had this idea before I even watched it, it just gave me more material is all). The shell may not die, but the ghost might. What is a ghost and a shell, you ask? Well, think of the shell as the mortal vessel and the ghost as what is essentially what defines us, mentally for the most part. And when the ghost dies without the shell following, what you get is a person who may have once been worth something reduced to just an empty husk that seemingly just lives life to not die without any agency of his own, a state which to me means that the person, for all intents and purposes, has already died. He does not live. Verily, I feel as if my death is imminent. That soon my ghost will be damaged and I will die. While you may tell me that I am only looking at the 2 years immediately ahead of me, the truth is even beyond the 2 years, I foresee more unliving. I have no faith in my future. No guarantee that the damage to my ghost can be fixed either.

The other thing is, ghosts could be changed so easily. If I fixed my reward centers or something, I'd probably start being more motivated towards life or being less nonchalant about my life in general. So much of our ghost is determined by our brains that any deviation in normal function just kills it. It morphs into something that is vastly different from the previous ghost.

I do think I've gotten much better at understanding people in general and social interactions though, compared to back in my Dark Ages (circa 2010-2014, for those who aren't familiar with my terminology). Boy was it a struggle back then, when I was so inapt that it seemed as if all significant humans (people that weren't "NPCs" or "filler characters") were enigmas that cannot be uncovered. Lately I've also been introspecting on the feeling that I had missed out on my youth somehow. That there were experiences that I failed to have and it nibbles at me. Not really eat since it doesn't bother me so much. I did miss it already and there was no way for me to change it after all. Whatever I missed out on was no doubt due to my own retardation back then anyway, not that I could really blame fate for it.

But well I guess I should move on concluding the post. Being more selective on who I consider friends and just acquaintances, and axing the "best friend" category entirely was a rather good decision. I am actually quite thankful for the friends I have. They span the whole gamut, friends that accept my inhumanness so I can relax around them, friends that push me so I can have more human experiences and grow. Indeed, they are a much needed therapy and remedy. If I die, I guess I have nothing more to add indeed.

Slip

壊れた僕なんてさ無限に広がる孤独が始まる

Honestly I have no idea what's wrong with me. Things were going well, at least I thought they were, but suddenly it descended on my mind like an owl, unheard and with the grip of iron. Why is my brain withdrawing at a time like this? It started last night for no reason. Perhaps that's what led to my terrible night's sleep. My dinner sits on my table with no heed paid to it. No appetite after what just happened.

壊せる　壊せない　狂える　狂えない

Where did this poison in my head come from? I knew its source in the past. I had put those walls up to protect myself, henceforth deciding to never let anyone break them down so easily. And then she came along. Someone I was willing to tear my walls down for. And yet when it seemed like there was a chance she was approaching, I put a fence up. I can't fathom exactly why it happened, perhaps I just felt I wasn't worthy enough for her or I didn't want to hurt her. I genuinely want to treat her right, but somehow it just feels like I can't do it. Am I broken? Can I be fixed?

壊れた僕なんてさ あなたを傷つけたくないよ

Words

Her eyes were wet with tears. In two streaks they rolled down her cheeks, the teardrops like solitaire stars set on ashen marble. It was the longest train ride of my life though it lasted just around twenty minutes. Surrounded by friends she was, en route to drinks I was, our nights beginning on diverging paths. Our eyes met a few times, I knew not what hers spoke, I wonder as I write this if she knew what mine said. I had some idea of the reason behind her weeping but I dared not presume. I was in dialogue with another but my heart was not in it. Bewitched, spellbound, enthralled. I was charmed indeed. Aye, I do not lie, I did find her attractive afore. But this was a different charm. One not of lust nor appreciation of beauty, nay. Verily, it was something entirely different. I was compelled to embrace her tightly, allay her worries and let her know that it would be alright. It was novel, the protective instinct in me, I had felt it before, with another that did not last. Much as I wanted to do something, I did nothing. It was not my place to. She knew me not, nor I her. She has her friends and they were sufficient. Who was I to her but a stranger anyway?

In all likelihood, we would never meet again, and that's fine with me. There was no point in me saying all this after all, I will never tell her, and she will probably never find out. All that's left to do is to forget everything and move on, there was nothing to remember after all.

I'm not in love and you're not worth my tears.

Return

So I've been back for a little over a week now. Not a single update while I was in Oz, I did have an unfinished draft written, but in hindsight, it is probably best I don't publish it. Perhaps in time it will see the light of day.

It was as if I had returned to a dream instead, and there was the real world.

In honesty, my time in Australia was probably the dream rather than the real world, I can't say I like being back. Who does? Well actually, Elson does lol. The dream lasted a little too long perhaps, I'd been poisoned hard and beyond salvation. I haven't a clue how to continue in this reality, everything is dull, pointless. 

Going through the motions.

I can't quite put a date on when it began exactly, but ever since I touched down in SG, it began to weigh more heavily on my mind. I just feel so worn out to do anything at all, talk to people, get back to work, work on myself. I just don't feel like doing anything. Just living day to day, scraping together just enough effort to make it to the next.

Melancholic ecstasy.

I find myself getting more and more fucked up as well. Now, to be fair, I was pretty fucked up before but there's just this sudden slip into a gently sloped descent towards madness. I find myself cackling over things that are morbid, borderline suicidal and frankly desolate. If I wasn't losing my mind before, I probably am now. The thing is, I've always known myself to be a psychopath, and I indeed have all the tendencies, minus the confidence, but I have to admit, even for a psychopath, these recent developments are rather out of line.

Throw me a lifebuoy made of alcohol.

I don't want to say that I have depression, but it's honestly looking like I will if I don't already have it. Thing is, I know my cure, problem is, it is a long, long ways away and all along the way will be obstacles that will definitely worsen the situation. I've always been a rather tenacious bugger, I'm just not quite so sure I will have the motivation to pull through. As it is, I've got barely enough to even go to school, much less on time and what not. Let's just hope that

Deafening silence, bound by fetters, weighed by stone, sinking towards an inevitable quietus.

Overdue

Wow has it been a long time since I last made a post. Couple more weeks and it'll be 2 months since my last post. This post is long overdue, had several things I wanted to talk about over the past few weeks but I just hadn't had the time to.

So literally 4 weeks ago was the end of my exams in the previous semester. Boy was I unprepared when suddenly, FYP hit me like a truck 1 week after that. Well, if I wasn't doing FYP, I'd being doing internship anyway, which means that it'll still hit me like a truck either way. I just felt so robbed of my holiday, 1 week is hardly anything. Not to mention throughout that week, I had a super fucked up sleep cycle. I know what some of you'll say, "But Tom, you already sleep from 0900 to 1700, that's already not normal!" Now, honestly, nothing wrong with sleeping during the day, it only matters that you do so constantly, which I have not been able to, I dropped in and out of nocturnus twice in that week. So obviously, it was definitely not regular. Probably still feeling the effects of that. Haven't been able to sleep sooner than 0200 since FYP started, except that one night.

Anyway, I wasn't actually supposed to be doing FYP either, since I'm in the second phase of the group, which means that I am studying later. But, because I'm not doing internship thanks to my overseas internship, my FYP started with the rest of the group. I was absolutely not clued in on this, nor were any of the other overseas intern students. Never mind that, my supervisor didn't even know I was coming, which was quite funny because I didn't know I was coming either. Can't say anything about the project, they made me sign a confidentiality form, but it is very interesting, to me at least. Probably no one else will think it is. Then I get pissed off the entire rest of the first week by this guy in my group, who apparently I don't have to work that closely with, I give my gratitude to the Nine.

So fast forward to now, and it's the 3rd week of FYP already, boy are things moving fast. End of the week, I'll have to go for the NS medical checkup and I wonder how that'll turn out. It was explicitly stated that long hair is not allowed and surprise surprise, I have long hair. Well not really a surprise actually, the thing is, I wonder if they'll force me to cut my hair for the checkup, which I am quite certain they will. I just wonder if I should do it now so I can keep the choice in my hands. Of course, I would rather not cut it, but welcome to Singapore, where your body is not yours and you can't choose what you want to do with it. I've said it before, it's practically impossible to keep long hair once you go through NS, every reservice they'll expect you to cut it. Now do I really want to have long hair? Honestly I don't know. It might just be that I'm a contrarian, I like to push against the norm, and the norm being short hair, well that means I'm gonna keep long hair.

So the other day, I was in the public toilet at the school canteen. This kid and his father were there too, I presume the kid said something, to which I very clearly heard the father reply something along the lines of "Cut your hair, or you'll look like him." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Heck if I was more confrontational, I'd probably accost him. Over the past week, I've heard something regarding my hair 3 times. I get it, no guy in Singapore has long hair. So what? Does that mean I can't have long hair? Whose hair is it? Do I have to do what you want? Can say with some confidence that not everyone would have short hair if they could choose it. The problem lies with the culture. For a country that prides itself on being so connected and advanced and shit, it's way behind the times when it comes to issues like this. I can't see why people here judge based on one's appearance and other things like sexual orientation etc. Honestly, fuck that. What has one's appearance got to do with how I am as a person? Obviously, aside from personal hygiene and how messy or tidy one is, what has the other aspects of one's appearance got to do with anything? A dude with long hair, what does it say about him? Nothing, it just says he likes to have his hair long. Is a guy less masculine with long hair? Tell that to the Vikings, the Mongols and the native Americans.

But of course, you're never going to change the opinions of people who see the world that way. They're too set in their ways. People here think that everyone wants to be stamped from the same mould and to be otherwise, is despicable. Well, if it offends you, you can kindly fuck off and refrain from commenting. Honestly, as the days go on, I just find that I hate this country and its people more and more. Far too few people here are decent. Don't even get me started on the weather, nearly baked to death the other day.

Well, sorry to end on such a bad note, but it's been on my mind for the past week. Maybe I'll have a happier topic when I'm in Australia. Toodles~

Oz

Wow I haven't blogged in a month but I guess there wasn't really much to talk about, and I was rather busy as well. I'm just gonna talk about my upcoming overseas internship to Australia. I've known about it for a while now, that I was selected, I just hadn't thought to make a blog post about it yet. I shan't bore you with the details of it, but I'll be gone for roughly 3 months and I'll be in the state of South Australia.

So, 3 months overseas, it'll be the longest period of time I'll be away from familiarity. Thankfully I won't be alone, there's a friend joining me, which is sorta a double edged sword as I'll explain later. That and it's a country that I'm considering emigrating to in future, so I can at least see if I'll like it there. It'll be winter while I'm there, which is nice, I've already experienced Australian summer, so let's see what the winter is like. But I already know that no matter what, I will probably like it better there than here. If anything, it might just drive me further down the rabbit hole of hatred I have for this place when I have to return. Compounded by the fact that it'll be less than a year to my imprisonment on the prison island and then prison main island doesn't make it any better.

It might seem shallow that I'm saying this but I just hope that the internet will be better than I think, last I checked, Australia (rather, Oceania in general) didn't have very good internet speeds. That'll probably be the hardest thing for me to cope with (and that I won't be able to play games on the SEA server where all my friends play), I've afterall, been rather accustomed to a good internet network. As for the matter of the people there, I shan't expect to make any friends there, I'm only there for 3 months after all, who knows if I'll return. It's my philosophy not to get too well acquainted with people who won't last in my life, but who knows, maybe something might change my mind about that when I'm there.

So about the friend, he's a nice fellow, incredibly smart. There's nothing wrong about him honestly, my only worry is that I'll find out something about him that irrevocably changes my view of him. Doubt it'll happen but you never know, I've had my fair share of people who turned out there was another side to them.

I guess that's all I have to say about it. Toodles~

Transcendence?

A long overdue update of my oh so ordinary life perhaps. Had my exams two weeks ago, don't really have much to say about it other than I fucked up my math paper so good. It's gonna be a tough semester. I'm a little disappointed to say that I've lost any sort of drive to work harder. I just want to take things easy and enjoy life's minutiae. Gotta go as slow as you can go fast right? Perhaps slowing down too much, I can feel myself getting dumber, and I do mean it. I just can't seem to be as on the ball anymore. Regardless, I shall just stop boring you with my self reflection and get to what I actually want to talk about.

So I've recently come to realise that I absolutely detest clingwrap. It's not the way it feels or looks etc but rather the way it works. It's literally a roll of plastic that you just use and throw away. It's downright disposable, there's nothing about it that's reusable or permanent (other than that it stays in the environment forever) in any way. And to my knowledge you can't recycle it, not that it would be easy, given that there's usually food substances on it. And it's made me realise something too. I'm inspired to live in a way that is less impactful. In the sense that I don't want to have stuff that will be around long after I'm gone. I recently watched this documentary on Japanese carpentry, where there's an art of building things purely from wood, no metal involved. It's so zen, vague description, I know, but it's the only way I can put it. Realistically, there was no way I could possibly live a zero waste life. I'm aware I lack the fortitude for such an undertaking but that doesn't mean I can't minimise my waste.

So that's really all I have to say. I'm interested in writing a few shorts, but I'm lacking the conviction to carry through with it so if you actually want to see them, just let me know and I'll try to find the strength to do it.