It's almost half a year since I last made a blog post and the first thing I write about is a suicide letter?! Well no, not quite. I don't quite think I'm actually going to commit suicide, but I think I'm dying soon. Maybe not physically, but rather essentially. And so rather it's more like a will than a suicide letter really. Rather the contents of what I will write more closely matches that of a suicide letter than a will, I think. I've neither read a suicide letter nor a will before in all honesty. Should I perhaps start with a catch up before I go on about my suicide letter? I think I shall.
So after FYP, it was a study semester, honestly nothing I really have to say about that. After the study semester ended, I spent my time watching animes that I've been meaning to watch for a while, Parasyte, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Cowboy Bebop and Ghost in the Shell (1995 anime film, not the 2017 one) for example. I can't say that they haven't changed me for I don't think I've ever felt quite the same after experiencing them. They changed me in a way that I couldn't perceive but the shift was palpable. I also went to Taiwan for my grad trip and I have to say it was very fun for me and refreshing, even if my friends think I spent a little too much time on my phone, which doesn't necessarily mean I wasn't involved, I just need to escape being human for a while, more on that later. I cooked some food at home as well, something I enjoyed doing but never really had the mood to do it for a long time. I honestly doubt I did anything really meaningful in the 2 months since the end of the exams though. I was aware I had neglected my blog, but I wasn't aware that it was this neglected that I went almost half a year without a single post.
Watching those anime that I previously mentioned and also just life in general since the end of FYP has given me a new outlook on life, the impending "death" also probably has a part to play on this. I've mentioned it before, I have always felt very detached from reality. But recently it seems the rift has increased quite a lot. I'm finding it harder and harder to just be a human. Ambiguous, I know. Honestly, what does Tom even mean by "human" anyway? It's a multitude of many things really. My morals for one, is considered at best unorthodox, at worst, perverse, depending on which specific aspect we're considering. Perhaps a little nihilistic, things that most people value, I do not, not that there are many things I value out there in the first place. Things like reaching achievement milestones and the like. Interacting with people. I honestly think I could do with not interacting with humans at all, not that I don't enjoy my interactions with people, I do enjoy many of my interactions with others, but that rather if no one ever spoke to me again, I probably would not feel aggrieved (as long as it does not impact my lifestyle, i.e. no more internet or electricity, etc). So that's what I meant by being human, in other words, an actual person, not some kind of otherworldly inhuman.
About my death, just what does Tom mean by "death" anyway, you ask, how grotesquely morbid. I recently had a revelation (my personal opinion, not necessarily true) that we are merely ghosts in meat shells (yes, it's a reference to Ghost in the Shell, but I had this idea before I even watched it, it just gave me more material is all). The shell may not die, but the ghost might. What is a ghost and a shell, you ask? Well, think of the shell as the mortal vessel and the ghost as what is essentially what defines us, mentally for the most part. And when the ghost dies without the shell following, what you get is a person who may have once been worth something reduced to just an empty husk that seemingly just lives life to not die without any agency of his own, a state which to me means that the person, for all intents and purposes, has already died. He does not live. Verily, I feel as if my death is imminent. That soon my ghost will be damaged and I will die. While you may tell me that I am only looking at the 2 years immediately ahead of me, the truth is even beyond the 2 years, I foresee more unliving. I have no faith in my future. No guarantee that the damage to my ghost can be fixed either.
The other thing is, ghosts could be changed so easily. If I fixed my reward centers or something, I'd probably start being more motivated towards life or being less nonchalant about my life in general. So much of our ghost is determined by our brains that any deviation in normal function just kills it. It morphs into something that is vastly different from the previous ghost.
I do think I've gotten much better at understanding people in general and social interactions though, compared to back in my Dark Ages (circa 2010-2014, for those who aren't familiar with my terminology). Boy was it a struggle back then, when I was so inapt that it seemed as if all significant humans (people that weren't "NPCs" or "filler characters") were enigmas that cannot be uncovered. Lately I've also been introspecting on the feeling that I had missed out on my youth somehow. That there were experiences that I failed to have and it nibbles at me. Not really eat since it doesn't bother me so much. I did miss it already and there was no way for me to change it after all. Whatever I missed out on was no doubt due to my own retardation back then anyway, not that I could really blame fate for it.
But well I guess I should move on concluding the post. Being more selective on who I consider friends and just acquaintances, and axing the "best friend" category entirely was a rather good decision. I am actually quite thankful for the friends I have. They span the whole gamut, friends that accept my inhumanness so I can relax around them, friends that push me so I can have more human experiences and grow. Indeed, they are a much needed therapy and remedy. If I die, I guess I have nothing more to add indeed.
No comments:
Post a Comment