24/12/14 - Dead inside.

So it's Christmas Eve. I suppose it's time for the customary holiday greetings of Merry Christmas, so Merry Christmas, my pathetically few readers. It's term break and we have 2 weeks of holidays, which we are currently in the first week of. Much progress has been made on my YouTube deficit and I already have videos piling on. The girl is making me watch Doctor Who, How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. Great because I've always wanted to watch them and now I don't have to go look for it but then bad because that's a ton of shit to watch. But that's not the point of this post and I won't bore you with my extremely ordinary life.

Just before I started writing this, I had a thought, that one shouldn't have too high hopes or else when the reality hits that it just isn't so, you won't be too disappointed. That made me realise how much of a pessimist I was. How little faith I had. How dead I was inside. And how deeply hollow I am. I feel so... dead. That's really the only way I can think of to summarise it. Allow me to explain.

My grandmother raised me from young. Since I've had cognitive function, she was the one who bathed me and cooked for me and washed my clothes, all the typical jazz. That's pretty much 10 years of my life that I spent with her. And when she died a little more than a year ago, I felt absolutely nothing. No emotion at all, no joy, no sadness. There was only emptiness. The nothingness was absolute when the news came that she had died alone in a hospital in Johor Bahru, when she was still alive and well 3 days before when I visited and a week before she was sent to live in an old folks' home in JB.

It was so unexpected to me that she could have died when she was such a strong person who could go on and on and fucking on about pointless shit decades ago and had such a powerful voice, the Nords would have thought she possessed the Thu'um. The emptiness matched the emptiness of the house, which was not filled with her droning when I came back home from school. My heart was calm and still. I'm not sure if it was a coping mechanism that I completely feel nothing or I have already come to terms with death since not having a father from young or was it that I am an actually really heartless person.

Similarly, my sister was also hit with appendicitis some time 3 years ago. She endured great pains and woke up one morning blind from it, well not really, she just couldn't see anything even with her eyes open. Not sure how that could have been derived from a dead rotting vestigial organ in her body but okay. And so she was hospitalised. Not once did I visit her. Nor that time my granny fell down a slope returning home from buying my lunch and cracked her head and bled. Did not visit either. Was I worried? No. I wasn't. I absolutely wasn't.

Shit, I really don't know. On one hand, death is inevitable. But to feel absolutely nothing when it comes knocking is a different matter altogether. I wouldn't say I'm an impressionable person either. Each time, more and more is needed to elicit some sort of reaction from me. If it's not bigger or better than the last time, I won't be impressed or amused.

Emotions emotions emotions, I wonder if I have any at all sometimes. As I am writing this, I am feeling empty. So so empty.

18/12/2014 - Is sad the new normal?

So I've been told by a couple people, both girls actually, and both people who are or had been a special part of my life that I look sad sometimes(a lot). Well it was nice that they noticed and cared enough to ask. But that got me thinking, do I have a resting sad face, or is it that I'm sad so often that I actually don't notice that I am any more and it becomes normal to me? It becomes the new baseline? Or was it that I took a blow so hard that it now takes an even sadder thing to make me begin to notice that I am sad even though I already was?

I'll never know for sure. Sometimes, I am an enigma even to myself.

13/12/2014 - The Threeway

So before I start talking about the The Threeway, no, it is in no way related to anything sexual, and I would like to just give a brief summary of my life so far since the last post some 2 weeks ago. Geez, that actually seemed like ages ago. Time is so fucked up now. Just last weekend I was sitting as I sit here writing this now and thought of something that happened this year way before April and I thought, man that seemed like just yesterday. Then I remembered it's already December.

Anyway, G-motherfucking-G, killed off 3 assignments this week and have 3 more next week I think. Really exhausted by all the schoolwork recently. But in a flash, it's already Week 8 and only one more week till the term break. Would you look at that. Just last week was Thailand trip too. Nope, that shit was 8 weeks ago. Man. Really need to just have a weekend to myself to catch up on sleep and like possibly 600+ YouTube videos I have accumulated on my To Be Watched list. It's actually close to 1 200 videos in total on the list and I'm at video 577. That's a long ways to go and the list grows exponentially. Also need to work, even if just for a week, I got to. I need the money. For stuff and things. Big plans in my life coming up.

Alright now, the Threeway. It's actually nothing more than the 3 sides of me that I can see. Ooooh, I'm schizophrenic. Yea sure. Anyway this is just some 3 very basic sides of me, there's of course more to me than just these 3 sides but they are some very defining sides I guess.

The first side is my side profile from the left. Just kidding. I mean the righteous(to my subjective meaning of it anyway) side of me where I feel guilt and sadness for being a douche/asshole to people. This side comes out usually when I'm a douche/asshole to people I love and so far it's only ever come out for one person. The one person that makes me watch my words or my actions because I would never in any way want to cause permanent grievous hurt to that person. This is also the side that makes me love humanity sometimes for the tiny beacons of hope in a universe of the ugly. Also somewhat the side that makes me honest about all most of my thoughts and confess them to the person.

The next side is my asshole side. The side that ruled my life in Sec 1 and 2, possibly most of 3. The tumultuous time when I was a little prick to everybody around me, like seriously, I'm quite surprised that I have friends that stuck with me from that period till now, people like Jonathan, Ian, Chee, Shao and Ryan. Probably have my disgusting sense of humour to thank for that. I thought this side had died back in mid Sec 4, around middle of 2013 up till recently, when I sensed its stirring beneath the veneer of my mind. Invasive thoughts that put poison in my head and made me think nasty stuff about that person. I did not like that and I hope this side of me stays dead for as long as possible.

The last side of me is what I have nicknamed the Iron Turtle for that is what it is, I become a turtle and shell myself away from the people in my life. It's a very destructive period when this side of me comes up as I usually avoid people whom I'm not so close with and minimise contact even with those I'm close to. The last time this side of me made a major resurgence, which was around end August this year, I purged my contact list of people I wasn't really close to and also redefined what the word "friend" meant to me. Under that new definition, the amount of people I would actually consider friends became drastically reduced. Now this wasn't actually a bad thing, it made me appreciate those that stayed in that list even more, with special mention to my three fireflies, whom I can never thank enough for the light they gave in a time of darkness. This is a particularly nasty side of me that I hope can stay dead as long as possible. I quite like my life as it is now and I would fucking hate that this son of a bitch is poking his head into it as it has several times now since August. If the fucking Iron Turtle gets to sit on me again, I might just lose my ability to love and live. But I'm probably stronger than that.

So that was this blog post, probably won't be another one for another 2 weeks or so. We'll see.

1/12/14 - Updates on my life.

So recently, like just on last Friday, I went to the hospital for my haemorrhoids. That's piles, if you're wondering. My asshole was hurting for like 3 days before and just that day I thought it was done because it stopped hurting. Nope, just kidding, says the haemorrhoids as I bled from my anus right into the toilet bowl while I was shitting. The most I have ever bled my whole life and it was from my anus. How fun. My mum woke me up at 0530 to go see the fucking doctor, not fun at all and he stuck his finger up my bum. Not a fun experience, -2/10 do not recommend. So I got to skip school which was a double edged sword but more so for bad than the good. Good part? I got to skip school and sleep in when I got back. Bad part? Missing lesson and not getting to see the moon of my life.

So that was my piles. Also watched Interstellar, fun stuff, fucking amazing. Who knew a wormhole was spherical eh? Not me. And Big Hero 6, that was fucking amazing too. In a few words, happy, sad sad, happy, sad, happy. I think it was in that order anyway. What an emotional rollercoaster.

Also recently completed Shadow Of Mordor which made me wanna have a complete LOTR meltdown the next long holiday and read all the LOTR books and watch the movies in chronological order. Then have a shock coma about how amazing that was for the next couple days. 

School assignments piling up, not enjoying that. Other than Digital Game Art, Animation and Game Project Management. That I can handle. I really can't stand AVComp though. Also can't understand a ton of the irony in the modules I take. Animation for example, the laws of Physics are important for making believable animations. But then shows animations of balls rolling off cliffs that are totally incorrect and seaweed that don't even move like they do in real life. Okay. Sure. Then AVComp. We're supposed to produce a video with sound and video(obviously) that portrays an idea revolving around a genre and a theme. If your idea is bad you can fail. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! The objective of this module is software knowledge. But I can fail because my ideas suck even though I know how to use software perfectly? Gee, that sounds like brilliant logic to me.

So that's it I guess. Nothing else real interesting. Be gone. Fly, you fools.

8/11/14 - Apprehension

Do I really want to talk about this here? Well I guess I did cause here I am talking about it.

The past few days were a hell of a ride. Was nice to catch up with all my old pals and new. Things happened that made me really apprehensive. Now whether apprehensive may or may not be the right word depending on if I gave a fuck. The infinitely possible situations I could be in confounds me and I hate it. But in order to give a full rundown of this I may have to go way back. Or I could just leave that pending and talk about some of my principles. It'll make sense. Probably.

So here comes my personal introspection on my principles. First I would like to say that I'm generally very respectful of my female companion. I mean girlfriend. I'm not gonna do anything to her that she didn't let me do and anything she says goes(within logical confines of law and ethics, of course). This was a principle that brought me ruin as it cost me my second ever relationship. I didn't try to fight for her to come back till much later, which was too late. Not that it matters now because I've stopped giving a fuck.

Now secondly, no dating girls still in secondary school or with boyfriends. I just don't think girls in Secondary school are all that mature. For the latter, it's just rude to hit on another guy's girl. And if she does cheat on the guy to be with me, she'll cheat on me with the next guy someday. Not worth it.

Third, no stealing girls from my friends. Would seem scummy if I started dating the girl I knew my friend liked, wouldn't it? I wouldn't want my friends to do it to me but then if the girl does like me, what can I even do about that? The girl isn't half bad either, in fact she's a fantastic friend and very attractive. I've said too much already.

So that's basically some of my principles regarding the opposite sex. That's all. 

5/11/14 - Lately

Lately. What's going on lately? I've made the full transition from League of Legends to Dota 2. Partly because the bro got me into it and also League just didn't cut it it for me anymore. I needed something to get my mind off her and learning a new game proved useful.

Also would like to point out that that stereotype of girls' and guys' reactions at varying durations after the breakup is total bull honky.

Anyway, been back from Thailand for 3 weeks already and school has also started for 3 weeks. Of all the new Modules, can confidently say the one I hate the most is Introduction to 3D Modelling. Fucking hate how Maya works.

Also, ever since the return from Thailand, nothing seems to pique my appetite. School food just doesn't cut it. But went and ate some Bak Kut Teh at Jalan Kayu with the bangs on Monday and it was fucking amazing. Then went and had some curry rice at Farrer Park on Tuesday. Signature tool of the kitchen? A pair of scissors. Damn cool.

And I'm not gonna hide anything, I was recently being shipped by just about everyone, with a gay friend I have. Sure he's really nice to me and closer to me than the rest of the class. Even gave me a real fancy jacket for a birthday present but come the fuck on guys, if you don't make the effort to make friends with someone, you're not gonna become closer with them. He was there for me in my darkest hours of this whole year(one of the three fireflies) and he's a bloody good friend. Just because he's gay and close friends with me, it doesn't mean jack shit. Regardless, I'm not into guys so you guys can fuck off with that shit.

I'd try to talk more but I think I'd just full on go into Dota talk. Would just like to mention that I shouldn't play in house games. I take them far too seriously and I'm not a gracious winner. Guess I should avoid them in future. And I like the initiator role.

Not looking forward to school and assignments at all but just gotta keep trucking on.

23/10/14 - Bucket List Remastered

So I realised my previous bucket list was pretty incomplete. There were a lot more stuff I wanted that I didn't list down because they were not on my mind at the moment. Read from 12 onwards if you've already read the previous one.

1. Be famous on YouTube/Twitch. Have always wanted to start something there, perhaps vlogging, gaming or livestreaming. Nothing started yet because procrastination.
2. Own a pickup truck, Mini Cooper and Volkswagen Beetle. Why not?
3. Live in Australia for at least 2-3 years. Australia seems a wonderful place and I'm not settling down in one particular spot. I'm probably gonna explore the whole of Australia and stay in each spot for a month or two.
4. Live in Colorado for at least 2-3 years. Same shit with Australia.
5. Repeat with California.
6. Probably settle down somewhere in Cali by the coast when I'm like 45-50. 
7. Open a little cafe for people to relax and chill with a cup of coffee and maybe order some food if they are peckish when I retire.
8. Learn to make my own coffee from beans and other drinks.
9. Own a pet tortoise. I've always wanted to.
10. ???
11. Profit.
12. Get a Tricorne. You know, those pirate hats.
13. Own a full Assassin's outfit. Complete with functioning and usable hidden blade.
14. Own a Vespa scooter. It's cute. Come on.
15. Get a real fancy watch. One that is all elegant and fancy. Did I say fancy enough?
16. Get a well fitting suit. So I can be fancy x1000.
17. Get a pair of fancy leather shoes so I can be even more fancy.
18. Road trip/Backpack across North America. See all them sights.
19. Own a spear and shotgun one day. Because 'Murica.
20. Refurbish my room. It's a complete and utter mess now. I plan to throw away this mattress, bed frame and end table in my room. Throw away the rubbish that my mum keeps in my room for whatever reason and get a wardrobe and sofa bed. Been wanting a sofa bed since forever holy shit. Maybe then I'll be motivated to keep my room clean.

16/10/2014 - My take on "horror" and a bucket list.

Those who have gone on a few movie dates with me will know that I'm adamantly against watching "horror" films. Are the quotation marks necessary? Not really but I'm gonna leave them there. Now why am I against watching "horror" films(and this extends to playing "horror" games and going to "haunted houses")? Most of my friends would say it's because I'm scared of them. On the contrary, the truth is I am simply not intrigued by them at all. They don't scare me at all. And if you are gonna give me shit like "Oh but you flinched when so and so jump scare came up," I'm gonna just tell you to fuck off because it was merely a reflex reaction. If something suddenly jumps up into your face and you don't react to it, I'm gonna applaud and salute you because one day you will die from your lack of reaction to sudden "attacks". It was only a primal response that serves a very real purpose - our self preservation. But do I feel any actual fear? Chances are I didn't and I wouldn't.

Now what I really don't understand is the same people who love these "horror" films, games and "haunted houses" in my life are such massive pussies when it comes to scary places in real life. A dark corridor leading into almost nothing and the park at night. Oh don't talk about the supernatural and please can we turn on the lights on our phones. Come the fuck on, you seek the sensation of fear and when the chance for the greatest and deepest sensation of true fear presents itself, you pussy out like a baby. As for me, ever since that night walk on Pulau Ubin where I thought I saw all those figures resembling WWII soldiers in the aftermath of an engagement, tending wounded, laying dead or suffering from shell shock, just dazing into space and that one guy beckoning me in the forest path, nothing scares me any more because afterwards, I found out it was a trick on my mind and it was actually just light dancing off the leaves and my mind forming images out of nothing.

So now that that's done, I suppose we should get on with my bucket list, eh? Would take a while for me to list it out because I have never really given this much thought. In no particular order of importance:

1. Be famous on YouTube/Twitch. Have always wanted to start something there, perhaps vlogging, gaming or livestreaming. Nothing started yet because procrastination.
2. Own a pickup truck, Mini Cooper and Volkswagen Beetle. Why not?
3. Live in Australia for at least 2-3 years. Australia seems a wonderful place and I'm not settling down in one particular spot. I'm probably gonna explore the whole of Australia and stay in each spot for a month or two.
4. Live in Colorado for at least 2-3 years. Same shit with Australia.
5. Repeat with California.
6. Probably settle down somewhere in Cali by the coast when I'm like 45-50. 
7. Open a little cafe for people to relax and chill with a cup of coffee and maybe order some food if they are peckish when I retire.
8. Learn to make my own coffee from beans and other drinks.
9. Own a pet tortoise. I've always wanted to.
10. ???
11. Profit.

Shittiest bucket list done.

10/10/2014 - Everything that I should have talked about and recent news.

Took a long break from writing anything on the blog and perhaps I should have because I didn't have much I could say. Or was going to allow myself to put in the blog because it would have been a short sighted view of the matter.

So last week, caught up with my man Shao and met Ian's new girlfriend from his course who happen to be the bro's secondary school buddy. Coincidences on several levels. Went and watched round 2 of Cafe, Waiting, Love which was totally worth it because it's so damn funny and Ian cried.

Then left for KL with like 500 RM which turned out to be not enough. I'm a terribly huge spender and I am unfamiliar with the scale at which I'm spending money that is not in SGD. Didn't pick the right hotel. My room had duct taped the side of the door where the hinges were on and on the second night, the card failed to unlock the door at all. At least better than the girls'. Their room was leaking, for swapped for a smaller room and their door lock was faulty too. Well hot damn, yea?

One of our other top 3 hotels was right next to the one we picked and it was good. That one had brilliant food and looked pretty modern too. I'm willing to bet the amenities were better. The one we chose had great service though, and I had my first taste of a rain shower, fantastic.

Bought a ton of useless(maybe?) shit which included mostly shit from Daiso and the most expensive thing I bought was 2 books worth about 80RM each if I remember correctly. Robopocalypse and Robogenesis(this might be wrong). Read the first book from my first ex and the second book was a sequel released sometime after that. Yet to read them and thinking of doing so. Still got my Assassin's Creed books to read. Seems like all I ever do when I go overseas is buy fucking books. My mother wouldn't buy them for me. That's how I got my AC set, in Australia. And I bought 4 beanies. Don't judge, beanie is love, beanie is life.

My main aim of the trip was to unite bro and her BF and it was done. I've heard her mention before about how sad it was for her to observe other girls and their boyfriends together. Well now she's had her chance to do just that and she did. Touching, cute and beautiful. At the same time it only makes me even more jealous that others have someone who they can love and loves them while I have nothing. Something that I have never thought I would do was go up to some random stranger and hit on them for their number. Well to be honest I have yet to do it but I actually thought about doing it, which I had never done.

I have actually gotten over her and the fact that she ain't coming back. She's nothing more than the distant past now. Recently I found out she was playing DotA 2 and wanted to play with her, nothing more, since I don't have many people to play with. But she straight up ignored me and she's even got a mutual friend to unfriend me on Steam so that I wouldn't know when she's playing DotA 2 anymore. Wow. Probably enough that she didn't invite me to play but she actually did that and thought it would escape my notice? A bit too much overkill please. And she said we could be friends and she'd talk to me and what not. Turns out it's a steaming pile of horseshit when you peel back the gold paper cover. Granted I probably did something to piss her off, perhaps in one of my earlier blog posts but if I did, just say something, kick me in the balls even. Straight up ignoring is so immature because at the end of the day, nothing gets solved and I admit I've done it before. Didn't solve shit and I lost a friend for it. Still think about her a little but then it gets weird and I stop.

Just wanna find a girl who is willing to let me love her and love me in return. Damn near impossible by the looks of it. Fuck it, if I stay a virgin till I'm 30, I'll probably turn into a wizard so I got that going for me, which is nice.

So I actually meant to have this out before I leave for Thailand but I didn't have it completed yet so here I am typing this on night 2 of Thailand trip. So far been nice, I'm eating a lot and getting fat which will be great for getting my BMI above 18.5 again. Hopefully I can keep it that way. Also intending to use this trip to fix my sleep cycle and stop being nocturnal. Working so far. So far.

Planned to have loot pics but well I'm in Thailand now and I don't got my loot with me so fuck it. Suck with pictures anyway. Maybe the next post will be about my bucket list. Wait and see maybe.

28/9/2014 - A Movie With Friends and putting shit in your heart.

So on Friday I went to watch a movie with le Mo and le Shao Heng(sec sch buddy). It was "Cafe, Waiting, Love." It's a Chinese movie from Taiwan and bloody hell was it good. Definitely recommend watching it because it's fucking funny. Wouldn't be a romance comedy if it ain't. Hell, don't even know why I didn't watch these more.

But that is only part one of the post. Here's part 2: Putting shit in your heart. So what does it all mean? It was actually something from the movie but here's my take on it. You give your heart to someone and mean for them to fill it with friendship and love. But all they fill it with is shit. Probably not going to say why I'm saying this because dirty linen is best aired not in public. People people, so hypocritical.

28/9/2014 - BBQ

Ah ha! Procrastination OP. The barbecue was 16th Sep so that was 2 weeks ago. Meant to write about it but then you know. Procrastination. Anyway, the title of this post is BBQ so let's start talking BBQ and not procrastination.

Now it's revelation time, this is the first BBQ I have ever gone to, surprise surprise. I'm 16 and this is my first BBQ. Well rather first BBQ I went to that I stayed the whole duration and not just for 5 minutes. It was organised by group 3 but I got invited because I have connections. Some other non group 3/4 members were also invited but I was the only group 1, hot damn I'm special eh? Took a bloody long time to get the fire started because we were scrubs. Then I spent most of the time cooking, to the point that other people came over and tried to stop the other cook and I LOL. Then I had a revelation that I probably wouldn't mind being a cook for a job. You get to cook and be paid for it. Pretty damn awesome. And I really didn't mind doing the cooking because it was somewhat therapeutic to see raw meat becoming cooked meat. Sweet shit.

Then had the most revealing gossip session with Team Rokok. The things I learned I can't say but damn did I learn a lot. So that's it for this blog post.

12/9/2014 - A Thank You

So it’s coming, a blog post to thank the people who’ve been there.

So the first people I want to thank would probably be Fabian, Theng Yeong, Amanda, Jin Peng and Cass from Group 3 and 4. They were there listening to my bullshit even though they weren’t even that close to me and didn’t really have to. And for all the laughs I had with them and everything.

Next would probably be Zen, for being a part of my life for 4 years going on 5. Again, for being there for me and helping me with all his wise words and sharing secrets with me, making me promise him not to cut myself.

And Jay/Jerome for being there for me as well and making me promise him not to cut myself. And also being the celebrity hairstylist for my hair.

Last but not least Mo, the third and last firefly who made me promise not to cut myself and being there for me right from the beginning. Stand up gal who Seth shouldn’t let go of. Telling me not to stress myself out over POGD Assignment 2(?) and helping me with that Latin Fire episode even though she pretty much masterminded the whole thing and then being there for me when the ship sank.

So I thought it would be longer but I guess not. That’s that for this blog post then.

12/9/2014 - Weekly Round Up

So it’s Friday and it’s time for a weekly news round up. Sounding like a YouTuber already so I should stop. So I’ve been up to a couple of things this week. On Tuesday, went to K-Box with some of my classmates and on Thursday I had my hair done.  Details coming right up, this will probably be pretty short.

So we went to K-Box and it was my first time there. It was mostly Chinese songs and I think I sang only once, which was New Divide by Linkin Park. I was told I seemed dead cause I didn’t sing much. To which I can only say I don’t know many Chinese songs so I couldn’t join in half of them and of the English songs, they weren’t really my style. That wasn’t really the only thing though. I knew the English songs, yes, and there were lyrics as well, so I can’t say I don’t know them. It’s just that I don’t like singing in front of people. I’m too shy for that. And the songs I like listening to really aren’t suited for Karaoke so it was probably better I don’t.

So Thursday I had my hair done at Jay/Jerome’s house and he was the one who did it. Le hair was dyed into a bronze-ish colour, my brows plucked and i had the right side of my hair shaved off. So now I am an Ah Beng/gangster looking dude and apparently people think it looks nice on me. So many pimples though urgh. So hair dying was a really interesting experience. It felt like many needles being jabbed into my scalp. Not sure if it was supposed to feel like that since it was my first time but alright I guess. It wasn’t debilitatingly painful.

So that about sums up this week and this blog post. Now fuck off, wankers.

The End?

So it’s the end of Studio Project. The end of Semester 1. The end of seeing friends in school.

Studio Project was fantastic I guess. I made some new friends from Group 3 and 4. All amazing people. Our project was done and given our skill in craftsmanship, it was pretty impressive what we came up with in terms of aesthetic design. Well that’s all I am going to say about it. I really think they deserve more praise for the amazing people they are, especially from my group and my bro’s group but this blog isn’t about them now, is it?

It’s been about 2 weeks now and I am still trying to let go. I don’t think I can and I don’t know if I can. She OTed so much in the past week and it was so tough watching her work so hard, skipping meals sometimes and being so tired every night, being so worried about her Studio Project while mine was so chill and on time. At least she still smiles and she still laughs. I fear the day when she might just snap from the stress.

It honestly sucks big fucking major ass time when I see her just stand with her eyes closed for a couple seconds to rest for however long she can during conversations with friends. Whenever she does that, I want to reach out and give her a hug, a shoulder to lean on and a kiss on her forehead. I want her to know that she has someone who will be there for her and cares about her. I want to be able to do it. And I can’t. I’m not her boyfriend anymore. All of that would be so out of place for just a friend. All I can do is make sure she has something to eat for dinner and give her words of encouragement that sounds like patronising bullshit. I want to do more and I can’t because of societal norms expected of me from others.

It also sucks that she no longer greets me at the windows with that beautiful smile and that pose she does. She no longer comes to hold my hand for even just 15 seconds. She no longer gives me hugs. And all the while I gotta sit there in her presence, missing all those things. She doesn’t even talk to me in person anymore or of her own initiative, all the time talking to others so easily. She doesn’t even ask me when she needs help anymore. Fucking sucks.

As to why she doesn’t ask me for help, I can probably guess why. I was such a fucking retard and said things I shouldn’t have, done things I shouldn’t have. When she first broke the news on last Monday morning, I refused to help her open the door. It hurt me to do that but all I could think of was myself, myself, myself and not her, her, her. And I told her that if she were to need anything from me, she shouldn’t ask me. Well fuck me eh? Cause she took that real seriously. Fuck me in the butt with a rusty iron rebar stuck on a jackhammer.

I wasn’t the best first boyfriend for her and I regret the shit I put her through. If she were willing to take me back, I’d try my best. But will she ever take me back? I doubt she can trust me again after the nonsense I gave her. All I can do is just always be there for her.

I have said before I won't cut myself because of my promises to my three fireflies. But I broke that promise and gave myself a cut. Just one. To remind myself that emotional pain isn't the only pain. Inadvertently also breaking a promise I once made her. The reminder was so needed though, or all I'd feel is just emptiness and pain. Emptiness of not having her in the spots she used to fill and pain of watching her going through such ordeals.

Recently, the bro introduced me to A Rocket To The Moon and I got really hooked onto this song by them. I will quote a line from the chorus: “And all that I've done, is it ever enough?” I’d answer this this question with a no, it is never enough and I doubt I’ll get a chance to do enough for her.

30/8/14 - No chance to love her.

So it’s at the end of August and 2 weeks has passed since she said she would be mine. 1 week since she left me. I remember a question on my Ask.FM a week ago. What song do you relate to now? At the time, I couldn’t give an answer. I didn’t know of a song that could adequately describe my situation. Now, my answer would be Red by Taylor Swift. Never thought I’d see the day a break up song of hers could apply to me.

On the Wednesday 2 weeks ago, we went to Clarke Quay. As we were walking through Central, they played Close Your Eyes by Michael Bublé. I couldn’t remember the song title then but it was probably the song I could relate to most then. How things have changed haven’t they? It was so fast. A week of joy then a week of pain. What will it be for the next week then? What an eventful 2 weeks of Studio Project this has been.

I waited too long to tell her I was going to throw aside my insecurities and trust her because I took too long to realise that was what was driving us apart. Was going to tell her last last Friday but got walled off and I didn’t know why exactly. I had chances to try and get back with her, didn’t take them. The last chance I had when I finally found out what it was, I took it. But then it was all too late. She said she thought through it all and figured that it was her, not me. I remember what someone from Group 3 or 4 had said. If a girl told him “it wasn’t him, it was her”, he’d just fuck it all and told her, “ Yea it’s not me, it’s you.” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I didn’t know if she was right to say it. I didn’t know her very well. But I was angry alright that she had the balls to say that when she knew jack shit about me. How does she know it wouldn’t be me?

She told me she didn’t want to hurt me by not letting us go further and me falling deeper for her. It was kind of too late, I had already fallen too deep for her and already smashed myself on the bottom of the canyon. I was reminded of what she had once said, that couples hurt each other and after it all, they get together stronger. I don’t even get a chance to heal the damage I caused.

She once said she wanted to see where we would go. And then I had the same thought as her. I too wanted to see where we could go. But she just didn’t want to give me a chance to make up for my week of insecurities that I imposed on her. She even cried because she didn’t want to be the bad guy but I made her one. She said I was too nice for her. What a reason to give for a break up. In the end, I accepted it when she said she knows herself and she knows what she wants. I took it it that I wasn’t. So I gave it up. I gave up trying to pull her back.

But I didn’t let go. I couldn’t. I had joined the class again for lunch yesterday, a pretty big step in trying to put my life back together. Turns out that was a huge fucking mistake because she laughed. A lot. Doesn’t help me to let her go when I am being exposed so much to one of the reasons why I fell in love with her in the first place, her laughter. By the gods it was so painful, I had to channel some Iron Turtle to protect myself. It hurt less but at the same time, I felt nothing else but pain. The Iron Turtle doesn’t discriminate between good and bad emotions. The Iron Turtle is a bastard.

Friday ended and some were doing overtime to catch up on their schedules. Her included. She couldn’t join a bro and I for dinner as her group was being kinda assholes to her for work reasons. So we brought the dinner to her, a sandwich from Subway. It was exactly everything she would have ordered. All of that I remembered from the Wednesday we spent at Clarke Quay. The bro remarked that I’d be the boyfriend that does nice things for the girl that no one else would notice. Would I really? As I was bringing the sub back to her, I could hear it screaming from a mile away, “You’re too nice for me, Tom. You’re too nice…” And I was right. It was literally like the 3rd or 4th line she said,” You’re so nice.” Was I really? The bro knows about all this and told me to be a good ex-boyfriend if I can’t be a good boyfriend for her. But of course, I am greedy and don’t want to be an ex.

Earlier on Friday, as I was walking back with a groupmate, we talked about how I couldn’t let go and how I want her back. And he said something, a quote from The Fault In Our Stars. “Oh, I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.” Likewise, I thought, it would have been a privilege to be hurt by her. But I was denied this pleasure. I don’t mind. She does.

Do I acknowledge that we're over? Yeah, pretty much. Do I accept it? No other choice, right? But can I let go of it? Not yet. Not just yet.