The End?

So it’s the end of Studio Project. The end of Semester 1. The end of seeing friends in school.

Studio Project was fantastic I guess. I made some new friends from Group 3 and 4. All amazing people. Our project was done and given our skill in craftsmanship, it was pretty impressive what we came up with in terms of aesthetic design. Well that’s all I am going to say about it. I really think they deserve more praise for the amazing people they are, especially from my group and my bro’s group but this blog isn’t about them now, is it?

It’s been about 2 weeks now and I am still trying to let go. I don’t think I can and I don’t know if I can. She OTed so much in the past week and it was so tough watching her work so hard, skipping meals sometimes and being so tired every night, being so worried about her Studio Project while mine was so chill and on time. At least she still smiles and she still laughs. I fear the day when she might just snap from the stress.

It honestly sucks big fucking major ass time when I see her just stand with her eyes closed for a couple seconds to rest for however long she can during conversations with friends. Whenever she does that, I want to reach out and give her a hug, a shoulder to lean on and a kiss on her forehead. I want her to know that she has someone who will be there for her and cares about her. I want to be able to do it. And I can’t. I’m not her boyfriend anymore. All of that would be so out of place for just a friend. All I can do is make sure she has something to eat for dinner and give her words of encouragement that sounds like patronising bullshit. I want to do more and I can’t because of societal norms expected of me from others.

It also sucks that she no longer greets me at the windows with that beautiful smile and that pose she does. She no longer comes to hold my hand for even just 15 seconds. She no longer gives me hugs. And all the while I gotta sit there in her presence, missing all those things. She doesn’t even talk to me in person anymore or of her own initiative, all the time talking to others so easily. She doesn’t even ask me when she needs help anymore. Fucking sucks.

As to why she doesn’t ask me for help, I can probably guess why. I was such a fucking retard and said things I shouldn’t have, done things I shouldn’t have. When she first broke the news on last Monday morning, I refused to help her open the door. It hurt me to do that but all I could think of was myself, myself, myself and not her, her, her. And I told her that if she were to need anything from me, she shouldn’t ask me. Well fuck me eh? Cause she took that real seriously. Fuck me in the butt with a rusty iron rebar stuck on a jackhammer.

I wasn’t the best first boyfriend for her and I regret the shit I put her through. If she were willing to take me back, I’d try my best. But will she ever take me back? I doubt she can trust me again after the nonsense I gave her. All I can do is just always be there for her.

I have said before I won't cut myself because of my promises to my three fireflies. But I broke that promise and gave myself a cut. Just one. To remind myself that emotional pain isn't the only pain. Inadvertently also breaking a promise I once made her. The reminder was so needed though, or all I'd feel is just emptiness and pain. Emptiness of not having her in the spots she used to fill and pain of watching her going through such ordeals.

Recently, the bro introduced me to A Rocket To The Moon and I got really hooked onto this song by them. I will quote a line from the chorus: “And all that I've done, is it ever enough?” I’d answer this this question with a no, it is never enough and I doubt I’ll get a chance to do enough for her.