28/9/2014 - A Movie With Friends and putting shit in your heart.

So on Friday I went to watch a movie with le Mo and le Shao Heng(sec sch buddy). It was "Cafe, Waiting, Love." It's a Chinese movie from Taiwan and bloody hell was it good. Definitely recommend watching it because it's fucking funny. Wouldn't be a romance comedy if it ain't. Hell, don't even know why I didn't watch these more.

But that is only part one of the post. Here's part 2: Putting shit in your heart. So what does it all mean? It was actually something from the movie but here's my take on it. You give your heart to someone and mean for them to fill it with friendship and love. But all they fill it with is shit. Probably not going to say why I'm saying this because dirty linen is best aired not in public. People people, so hypocritical.

28/9/2014 - BBQ

Ah ha! Procrastination OP. The barbecue was 16th Sep so that was 2 weeks ago. Meant to write about it but then you know. Procrastination. Anyway, the title of this post is BBQ so let's start talking BBQ and not procrastination.

Now it's revelation time, this is the first BBQ I have ever gone to, surprise surprise. I'm 16 and this is my first BBQ. Well rather first BBQ I went to that I stayed the whole duration and not just for 5 minutes. It was organised by group 3 but I got invited because I have connections. Some other non group 3/4 members were also invited but I was the only group 1, hot damn I'm special eh? Took a bloody long time to get the fire started because we were scrubs. Then I spent most of the time cooking, to the point that other people came over and tried to stop the other cook and I LOL. Then I had a revelation that I probably wouldn't mind being a cook for a job. You get to cook and be paid for it. Pretty damn awesome. And I really didn't mind doing the cooking because it was somewhat therapeutic to see raw meat becoming cooked meat. Sweet shit.

Then had the most revealing gossip session with Team Rokok. The things I learned I can't say but damn did I learn a lot. So that's it for this blog post.

12/9/2014 - A Thank You

So it’s coming, a blog post to thank the people who’ve been there.

So the first people I want to thank would probably be Fabian, Theng Yeong, Amanda, Jin Peng and Cass from Group 3 and 4. They were there listening to my bullshit even though they weren’t even that close to me and didn’t really have to. And for all the laughs I had with them and everything.

Next would probably be Zen, for being a part of my life for 4 years going on 5. Again, for being there for me and helping me with all his wise words and sharing secrets with me, making me promise him not to cut myself.

And Jay/Jerome for being there for me as well and making me promise him not to cut myself. And also being the celebrity hairstylist for my hair.

Last but not least Mo, the third and last firefly who made me promise not to cut myself and being there for me right from the beginning. Stand up gal who Seth shouldn’t let go of. Telling me not to stress myself out over POGD Assignment 2(?) and helping me with that Latin Fire episode even though she pretty much masterminded the whole thing and then being there for me when the ship sank.

So I thought it would be longer but I guess not. That’s that for this blog post then.

12/9/2014 - Weekly Round Up

So it’s Friday and it’s time for a weekly news round up. Sounding like a YouTuber already so I should stop. So I’ve been up to a couple of things this week. On Tuesday, went to K-Box with some of my classmates and on Thursday I had my hair done.  Details coming right up, this will probably be pretty short.

So we went to K-Box and it was my first time there. It was mostly Chinese songs and I think I sang only once, which was New Divide by Linkin Park. I was told I seemed dead cause I didn’t sing much. To which I can only say I don’t know many Chinese songs so I couldn’t join in half of them and of the English songs, they weren’t really my style. That wasn’t really the only thing though. I knew the English songs, yes, and there were lyrics as well, so I can’t say I don’t know them. It’s just that I don’t like singing in front of people. I’m too shy for that. And the songs I like listening to really aren’t suited for Karaoke so it was probably better I don’t.

So Thursday I had my hair done at Jay/Jerome’s house and he was the one who did it. Le hair was dyed into a bronze-ish colour, my brows plucked and i had the right side of my hair shaved off. So now I am an Ah Beng/gangster looking dude and apparently people think it looks nice on me. So many pimples though urgh. So hair dying was a really interesting experience. It felt like many needles being jabbed into my scalp. Not sure if it was supposed to feel like that since it was my first time but alright I guess. It wasn’t debilitatingly painful.

So that about sums up this week and this blog post. Now fuck off, wankers.

The End?

So it’s the end of Studio Project. The end of Semester 1. The end of seeing friends in school.

Studio Project was fantastic I guess. I made some new friends from Group 3 and 4. All amazing people. Our project was done and given our skill in craftsmanship, it was pretty impressive what we came up with in terms of aesthetic design. Well that’s all I am going to say about it. I really think they deserve more praise for the amazing people they are, especially from my group and my bro’s group but this blog isn’t about them now, is it?

It’s been about 2 weeks now and I am still trying to let go. I don’t think I can and I don’t know if I can. She OTed so much in the past week and it was so tough watching her work so hard, skipping meals sometimes and being so tired every night, being so worried about her Studio Project while mine was so chill and on time. At least she still smiles and she still laughs. I fear the day when she might just snap from the stress.

It honestly sucks big fucking major ass time when I see her just stand with her eyes closed for a couple seconds to rest for however long she can during conversations with friends. Whenever she does that, I want to reach out and give her a hug, a shoulder to lean on and a kiss on her forehead. I want her to know that she has someone who will be there for her and cares about her. I want to be able to do it. And I can’t. I’m not her boyfriend anymore. All of that would be so out of place for just a friend. All I can do is make sure she has something to eat for dinner and give her words of encouragement that sounds like patronising bullshit. I want to do more and I can’t because of societal norms expected of me from others.

It also sucks that she no longer greets me at the windows with that beautiful smile and that pose she does. She no longer comes to hold my hand for even just 15 seconds. She no longer gives me hugs. And all the while I gotta sit there in her presence, missing all those things. She doesn’t even talk to me in person anymore or of her own initiative, all the time talking to others so easily. She doesn’t even ask me when she needs help anymore. Fucking sucks.

As to why she doesn’t ask me for help, I can probably guess why. I was such a fucking retard and said things I shouldn’t have, done things I shouldn’t have. When she first broke the news on last Monday morning, I refused to help her open the door. It hurt me to do that but all I could think of was myself, myself, myself and not her, her, her. And I told her that if she were to need anything from me, she shouldn’t ask me. Well fuck me eh? Cause she took that real seriously. Fuck me in the butt with a rusty iron rebar stuck on a jackhammer.

I wasn’t the best first boyfriend for her and I regret the shit I put her through. If she were willing to take me back, I’d try my best. But will she ever take me back? I doubt she can trust me again after the nonsense I gave her. All I can do is just always be there for her.

I have said before I won't cut myself because of my promises to my three fireflies. But I broke that promise and gave myself a cut. Just one. To remind myself that emotional pain isn't the only pain. Inadvertently also breaking a promise I once made her. The reminder was so needed though, or all I'd feel is just emptiness and pain. Emptiness of not having her in the spots she used to fill and pain of watching her going through such ordeals.

Recently, the bro introduced me to A Rocket To The Moon and I got really hooked onto this song by them. I will quote a line from the chorus: “And all that I've done, is it ever enough?” I’d answer this this question with a no, it is never enough and I doubt I’ll get a chance to do enough for her.