Apathy

Shall begin by saying that this will be a semi-ranty post. If you're into good vibes and shit, you can fuck right off because none will be had in this post. Honestly I don't think this whole blog has any good vibes at all anyway so why do you keep coming here for the bad/realist vibes?

Some time ago, I had this revelation that people with brain damage don't actually know they are fucked up (it's not really anything new but it just never occurred to me that way before). That's because their perception of themselves is normal, despite it not being so. Which led me to think that perhaps maybe I am damaged, not in the sense that I got fucked real good in the head by some dude with a baseball bat but in the sense that I am lacking in certain areas. I mean, in my brain, quite literally. Perhaps not too many people know this, but I'm incredibly unempathetic. I cannot feel for others at all. I do not know what it is like, or mean, to be empathetic. I can tell you're sad or happy (sometimes) but I won't share your emotions. And say if I'm sad that you are sad, it is not for the same reasons you are sad, but that I'm sad that you are sad, which isn't really empathy.

And to add on top of that lack of empathy, I am incredibly apathetic. It is incredibly hard to get me to care for things because there are so few things I care about. I don't even care about myself. If ever, I get into hospital, I won't tell people about it unless they ask, nor will I ask them to come visit me. Honestly I can't care if anyone will come visit me at all. I just don't. You show up, great, you don't, great. I'll catch up with you whenever that'll be. In fact, I might actually prefer that you don't, so I can do my own stuff.

I've come to realise that as a person, I'm highly individualistic. I don't rub well with many people because of the reasons I've listed prior, among other things, such as my disdain for ignorants, perfectionism, volatile nature (over particular issues but not so much others) as well as my taste for distasteful humour (the more fucked up it is, the more likely I am to find it funny, to a certain degree), to name a few. And because I know I don't interact well with many people (I always have the feeling that the people who interact with me are more tolerating me than actually interested in me), I don't try to interact with them. All of that, while I was growing up, had led me to become rather introverted. I dislike spending time outside my nest, it drains my energy. And spending time with people, because it drains my energy too, particularly with strangers and people I don't like. Also why after holidays I am not quite warm to people because I'm just getting used to having my energy drained.

Which leads me to my point about brain damage. What if somehow, while I was growing up, a lack in stimulation of a certain region in my brain resulted in who I am today? Like somehow, my lack of empathy and severe apathy is due to my poor raising. Now, I'm not an expert on neuroscience but everything about a person can be somewhat traced back to his brain. There is a reason why so and so person is so and so. It is something in his brain, be it the lack of activity or the lacking of it entirely that causes a person's behaviour to be as such. So, I am quite certain that my lack of empathy (which is really severe, despite the fact that I am male and males tend to be less empathetic, so can you imagine how much I can't feel you?) and apathy is related to something wrong with my brain, though you could argue that wrong is subjective, since I'm clearly not mentally handicapped (or am I?).

That is all. Peace out.