Transcendence?

A long overdue update of my oh so ordinary life perhaps. Had my exams two weeks ago, don't really have much to say about it other than I fucked up my math paper so good. It's gonna be a tough semester. I'm a little disappointed to say that I've lost any sort of drive to work harder. I just want to take things easy and enjoy life's minutiae. Gotta go as slow as you can go fast right? Perhaps slowing down too much, I can feel myself getting dumber, and I do mean it. I just can't seem to be as on the ball anymore. Regardless, I shall just stop boring you with my self reflection and get to what I actually want to talk about.

So I've recently come to realise that I absolutely detest clingwrap. It's not the way it feels or looks etc but rather the way it works. It's literally a roll of plastic that you just use and throw away. It's downright disposable, there's nothing about it that's reusable or permanent (other than that it stays in the environment forever) in any way. And to my knowledge you can't recycle it, not that it would be easy, given that there's usually food substances on it. And it's made me realise something too. I'm inspired to live in a way that is less impactful. In the sense that I don't want to have stuff that will be around long after I'm gone. I recently watched this documentary on Japanese carpentry, where there's an art of building things purely from wood, no metal involved. It's so zen, vague description, I know, but it's the only way I can put it. Realistically, there was no way I could possibly live a zero waste life. I'm aware I lack the fortitude for such an undertaking but that doesn't mean I can't minimise my waste.

So that's really all I have to say. I'm interested in writing a few shorts, but I'm lacking the conviction to carry through with it so if you actually want to see them, just let me know and I'll try to find the strength to do it.

Crispr

I have not updated my blog in way too long. It's not that I didn't have things I want to say but somehow when I try to get down to writing it, it just seems like I don't have the mood to do it, it ends up half assed and I scrap it. Plus it kinda feels like I was just talking about topics that I had already mentioned before and I didn't want to sound like I'm just super hung up on it so it's just better that I didn't write it. Was a hectic few weeks anyway, and spent most of my free time in League, which is taking up so much of my time that I might actually quit again. But that's not what I came here to talk about, so let's get to it.

So in case you don't know what the title means, it's CRISPR, which is basically a form of gene modification. What it does in simple terms is using an engineered virus, replace sections of your gene code with one that is desired. What that means is if you're at a genetic propensity for violent behaviours, cancers, obesity, mental illnesses, low IQ, anything that is considered a negative, you can cut those sections of your genes out and have them replaced with another section of DNA designed for you. This is a permanent change too. No need to keep taking drugs, no relapse. It's permanent. Done once, it's done forever. Sounds like a great thing right? You're able to design your own genetic code, change your destiny. Suddenly you can prevent the deaths of so many people. Scared to reproduce for fear of passing on your propensity for genetic diseases? Well now you don't have it (the propensity for genetic diseases, I mean, sucks if you already had it but I doubt it'll cure it if you already have it) and neither will your children, and their children's children.

Ah, but that's exactly the problem. Scientists are unwilling to allow CRISPR to be used on humans for that very reason. Who's to say that your children and your children's children would be accepting of the idea of CRISPR? Who's to say that they won't be some God fearing person that views your choice as blasphemy, defiling the creation of God? It's just one example, but the point is that they might not accept the effects of CRISPR, which lives on in your genetic code and that of all your offspring. You're making a choice that will potentially affect thousands, if not millions, of people. Which is why they're not allowing the use of CRISPR on humans on ethical grounds.

But is preventing us from preventing a now preventable genetic disease from affecting our progeny ethical? I am tempted to say that there are some situations where for the collective good, individual human rights can and should be thrown aside. If you think me a monster for harbouring such thoughts, think of vaccinations. Most every neonate is given a shot soon after they were birthed. Were they given choice in this? Could they have consented? No, they could not, and consent was given either by law or by its parents. What CRISPR could provide is a means to permanent vaccination against various genetic dispositions that could adversely affect the lives of our offspring. Is it ethical to indirectly allow them to die from something we could have easily prevented in our lifetime? CRISPR can not only save lives, it can help create them where none might have come.

Of course, CRISPR can also be used for cosmetic purposes, which is where I stop my support for it. Sure it's great to have beautiful people running around everywhere, but for people who can't afford such luxuries, what of them and their offspring? It creates a class boundary clearly defined by socioeconomic statuses and sexual appeal. The rich would be beautiful and the poor, well, mostly "ugly". Just one example of perhaps many such situations that could arise from the proliferation of CRISPR. Just watch Gataca to know what I mean.

Perhaps that's why they've decided not to allow it. It's not up to me to decide, but if it were, I'd only allow the use of CRISPR for altering genetic disabilities only.

Loop

So it's been the holidays for gods know how many weeks now. I'm guessing 3, but I might be wrong, or remarkably correct. My days have been devolved into slipping in and out of a nocturnal and diurnal life, I can't seem to stick to one. I'd much rather it be nocturnal but my family seems to be having none of it. Figure I'm going to talk about Kendo and I at the moment.

Now, you might have guessed from the title, if so, good on you. Right now, I feel like I'm stuck in a feedback cycle. Ever since that stretch of time that I refrained from going because of my flu and cough, I just seem to have lost all motivation to go for it. See, I don't exactly have any friends there. It's really hard for me to make friends because I don't like to waste time and myself on people who might not be there several years down the road (not exactly going to make any friends if I think of it that way, I know) and especially if I don't see them daily for several days. There's not exactly much time to socialise before, during or after CCA either. And so, because I don't really have friends there, I am not very compelled to go. Which leads to me being unable to know them better because well, I'm not there. Which leads to me not forging closer ties and then me not wanting to go, which just feeds itself endlessly until I eventually just quit Kendo.

I honestly think holidays are ruining me. Ever since that really long one after the O levels, it seems to only have gotten worse. I just enter my cocoon and sink ever deeper into it. It's not that I mind being by myself or that no one "bothers" me. I actually quite enjoy it, apart from the potential boredom that might arise. It's just that when I need to go out and do things, I don't ever get around to doing it or wanting to do it, even if it was something that I wanted to do originally.

I'm quite bored with living, to be honest. Not that I'd go and kill myself, it's just I don't particularly have anything to live for. I don't want to die either but I just feel shackled. I'm shackled by the circumstances of my birth, not that I mind the socio economic status, I honestly think I have it better off than most people, just the circumstances of where I was born. I don't see the point in giving 2 years of my life for a country I won't lay down my life for, nor they for me, let's be honest. No offense, but I don't see anything worth saving in this culture and society. Individual people, I'd do it maybe. This nation? Sorry, but there's really nothing to save here for me and if you forced me to do it, I'd do a shit job, if not kill myself doing it. (Beginning to go on a tangent so I'll stop after my last point, what's the point in forcing someone who has no wishes to defend your country to do so? I'm referring to that NZ guy some months ago that was being forced to come back to serve. Dude, the guy left when he was 5. You are literally unable to remember things from before you're 3. The dude has only really lived 2 years here and probably remembers jack shit from it. And he gained nothing from Singapore except his vaccinations. If I were him, I'd probably laugh at the gov and said, "Great, have no plans to come here anyway.")

Anyway, fuck it. Toodles~

Ground

Nothing much to update really, except that it's now my holidays, almost a little surreal. Life is proceeding at speed and I am much unprepared for its haste. I fear I may just fall short of my plans. Perhaps on to what I came to talk about then.

I've realised, only just, that I've been making statements that are dark, and dare I say realist? I guess I know I've been making such statements, but never really gave much thought to it. I'm afraid I'm articulating myself rather poorly, so I must apologise, but I hope you get the idea. And when I say "dare I say realist", I mean that it is real based on my perception, which is not necessarily someone else's or true of the world. I'm not actually sure why I'm doing this though, perhaps it's just my pessimistic realist self spilling out of bounds. I'd actually like to think I'm just the opposite side of a coin, where one is happy, facing the sky and able to dream while there's the other side which faces the ground and is all too aware of the realities of life.

It really does make me a wet blanket, as it does ruin other people's joy when I do such things. Perhaps it would be good for me to tone it down. Focusing on a problem doesn't really solve it anyway. Thing is, my problems in life cannot be solved, I'm certain that they can't even be solved, which leaves me with nothing to do but fixate on them. It's a self-defeating cycle, because I adopt this point of view for everything else in life. I can see the good in things but I am more drawn to the bad and the real. I am less able to appreciate when something good happens but at the same time if something bad does happen, it was after all, inevitable or the will of nature/humanity. Talking about it makes me realise it's actually just my apathy after all, coupled with my propensity to focus on flaws and where things can go wrong.

I guess that's all, a short nonsensical post to talk about how I like to take things that make people feel good then ruin it by exposing something that they conveniently chose to ignore or had not thought about. At least that's the way I see it. Also, I have all these ideas floating around in my head, snippets of stories that aren't quite a full story but more of particular scenes and settings/worlds. Not sure if I might one day start posting them here. I'd like to perhaps churn them out into a fleshed out story, but all I have are just bits of tissue here and there, no real skeleton to really hold the thing down for me to fill it out as I flesh out the story.

Ark

This will be a rant. Be warned. Those who know me well will know that I'm a godless heathen who will rot in hell for not being "saved". Mini rant before I start my rant on almost the same topic, I don't get how getting baptised is considered being "saved" by Jesus, as a schoolmate told me some 4-6 years ago on Facebook where he, a Christian, was arguing with another Catholic schoolmate (Seriously, you guys read from the same fucking book and you're shitting on each other? It's not a fucking dictionary, people. It's a story book and you can interpret it any which way you like.) and he kept going on and on about how he was saved by Jesus, which I thoroughly did not understand. Did he materialise in between you and a speeding cement truck and stopped it dead in its tracks with one hand? Were you drowning when he walked over to you and pulled you out of the water? Did he cure your terminal stage cancer with a few kind words? The answer to all of those, is no. So no, Jesus didn't save you, you weren't dying before you got momentarily drowned by while saying a few quotes from your favourite book. And I guess the fundamental difference here is that they believe that unless you were baptised, you will go to hell (which not all Christians believe so seriously like you guys can't even read the same book the same way among yourselves, even within the denomination a different church has a different understanding) rather than heaven so in that way you are "saved". But how do you know that baptising isn't actually washing your pure soul away so that you won't be accepted into the real heaven which is "hell"? Did God personally tell you that? Before I go on about this baptising nonsense, let me get to the real meat and potatoes.

How can people realistically believe in Noah's Ark even if God is real. Just think about it. The dude is some herder or farmer or some shit who lives in the middle of a desert. Dude has probably never seen a ship in his whole life. How does he know how to build a seaworthy ship when he's never seen one? Suppose then, that by God's grace he is granted the knowledge of how to do it. He lives in a fucking desert. The closest coast is probably at least 300 km away. You want to know why I mention the coast? Because guess what, trees don't grow in the fucking desert, much less trees that are shipbuilding timber. Even for a small ark, one that was actually seaworthy and won't twist apart in gentle waters, there wouldn't be enough wood for miles around. It would all have to be traded from other regions, namely India or East Africa and dragged for 300km to where Noah was. Noah had to be fucking rolling in gold to be able to afford this kind of shit, no way a herder or farmer in a resourceless desert could afford it. If God mysteriously just gave Noah the wood in the form of a forest, we would know about it and there is absolutely no way a family of 7 could chop down enough wood to build a ship within 10 years while doing whatever they do for food. Mind you, just chopping, not even processing, which probably includes drying and separating into planks and all that shit, which requires tools that Noah probably didn't have, given that he was probably still in the Bronze age (most likely before, actually, which makes it even more unlikely), these things were expensive and hard to come by.

You don't just need wood to build a ship though, you need pitch, or black tar, to seal them seams and other nooks and crannies. Which again, is hard to come by and probably really expensive, where is Noah getting all his money from? The good grace of other people through the will of God? Unlikely. No way you'd bring timber or pitch 4 months across the ocean from your homeland just to donate it to some hick with delusions that a higher being is asking him to build an ark (Also, now that I think about it, ships were around in that period, why are we building an ark again?) and return penniless for all your troubles. And who's helping him bring the timber to his home? An army of donkeys from the will of God? What are the hundreds of donkeys necessary for such a feat eating in a desert?

So let's just say that through the will of the Holy Spirit, all those things were brought to Noah. How could a family of 7 build an ark and still have time to do whatever they do for food? Same thing with the magic forest and tree chopping again. It takes hundreds of skilled workers to build a ship in a few years, even in the 1800s, when they've been at it for the past 500 years at least. How long are 7 unskilled workers who have to make their own food while they're at it going to need? They're lucky if they finish half of it before one of them dies, which let me remind you is very early, at most 60. It's just unfeasible.

So in conclusion, even if God truly existed and asked a prehistoric man by the name of Noah to try and build an ark, he couldn't have done it even if he tried literally his whole life. The lives of his children too, for the matter.

Strange

I'm rather sure that you'll probably never find another person with as strange a collection of interests as me. Perhaps it's just that old adage that everyone is unique and I am no exception. It's just that I find myself standing in two different worlds at the same time and it's a little conflicting at the same time. Now I realise I've probably mentioned some things in this blog post before and you're probably  sick of hearing about it, for which I am slightly apologetic, but this is my blog after all.

It is perhaps no secret to some who know me better that I have an interest in suits. A well made suit that fits one to a tee (hehe)  just arouses me mentally. Hell, if I could, I'd dress in a suit everyday, a different one for every day. I just can't afford them or have the time to launder all of them myself. Yea, call me old fashioned but a man in a well fit suit just glows with charisma. Besides, I do feel like an old soul sometimes. I'm also interested in fountain pens as well, which I doubt I can find more than 50 people in the whole of NYP using one. Maybe not even 20. They just write good, I can't really explain it. It's nigh impossible for me to use ballpoints anymore, they bore me to no end, though I sometimes use a Pilot G2 to mix things up a little. It's also highlighted to me paper quality, something I never gave much thought to before. This is my "old and indoors" side, I'd say.

Another set of interests lies in darker realms. Things that cause death just intrigue me. It draws me to them. It doesn't matter what they are or where they're from. If it was made to kill, I'm drawn. As such it has led to a general interest in weapons, individual or crew-served, ancient, medieval and modern. Poisons and venoms. Traps (not the Thai kind, if I may indulge in a stereotype). Martial arts. Doesn't matter if it was a gun or a sword, a tank or a fighter jet. I suppose this would be my dark side. Now just because I have an interest in these things and the manner in which they were used or operated doesn't mean I like killing. Yes, it is inevitable and some things do deserve to die, but not all the time and not everyone.

This side, I suppose would be my "young and outdoors" side. I love adventure and I love to witness the awe of the natural world. If I journey overseas, rarely would it be for shopping (for things that I can get in my home country anyway). It would be for food (culinary adventure, my dear), the natural and cultural sides of the country. It would be no secret to some that I would like to one day pick up motorcycling, in fact, I have my eyes on several bikes right now (don't know what for, since I can't buy them and my mum opposes me riding given that was how my dad died). It's an appeal that most won't understand unless it calls to them too. Unbridled freedom and adventure was how it called to me. That and the fact that my preferred music genre is house makes this my "young and outdoors" side.

Now, I hope you can see how this is a bit of a conflict. My dark side has totally nothing to do with my confusion. It's that I like suits (leather jackets do arouse me too, but it's more of a rugged charm than eloquent charisma) and yet I like motorcycling, which I can't really wear a suit for unless I'm keen on ruining a sub-thousand (maybe more) dollar suit every time I fall. Not that I might fall, it's just that in case I do, I would lose much more than I might otherwise. I like fountain pens and I like to go out into the wild. Hard to go rucking when a dip into a river would fuck your ink up rather badly. And that it's not going to be easy to find a place to sit down and just enjoy writing with a cuppa tea at a desk in your own chair. I'm going to look like I'm some kind of rich, classy dude who might like to sit down in an armchair by the fire with a book and his hound at his feet and yet the music you hear coming out of his earphones would suggest that he hits the clubs on the weekends, maybe daily. It just makes me feel like an odd package you know? The things I like don't lie in the same area on the spectrum and it's just strange.

Country

Now, I'm going to say this will be quite a rant. Figured it was about time I said why I hate this country. All opinions expressed will be my own, with the exceptions of any from quotes, which I may or may not make in this post. I shall say first, before anyone goes like "Let's beat up this treasonous fool who isn't a patriot," this country has many things going for it. The water (and city) is always clean, crime rate is low, racially diverse culture, etc etc. We could sit here all day and never end with what is good about this country. Objectively, this is a good country. Subjectively, it isn't. Let me get to what I don't like about this country that gave me everything (and I assure you it will sound like a child who is absolutely ungrateful about what his mother gave him).

I figure I should start with its geography, this country is smack dab like just a wee bit north of the equator. For all intents and purposes, it might as well be right on it because this country is hot as fuck all year round. Even in the "monsoon" season it's still hot. I once experienced rain where the droplets were warm. They were fucking warm. Like 40ish degrees celsius warm. Mind you, there was absolutely no lightning. It was just beginning to rain. That's absolutely hellish. When I was in Australia, it was hot out in the sun and when you were in the shade, it was cool enough that I could start shivering, that was in the afternoon. At high noon and late evening, you could still feel hot if you were under shade sitting down or just walking. I can't stand the heat. You can always put on more layers if you're cold but you can never run around naked if you were hot. That's the first point about its geography.

Second point about its geography, this place is boring as fuck. I mean sure, there's plenty of old shit around here, but the oldest standing building isn't even 200 years old. Barely 150 maybe. And I'm not interested in modern architecture either, which damn near everything is. The tallest "mountain" is 164m and the only place you can camp in a tent on this entire island is a fucking beach. Barely 300m away from a shopping mall where you can find yourself a MacDonald's. This place is dead. It's a green city sure, there's plenty of trees, plants and other ding-dangs but almost non-existent nature. In the sense that this country probably doesn't even have an elemental for its ecosystem. It probably shares one with Malaysia. I can walk across this entire country along its widest width in a day if I wanted to. I can't even walk across Yellowstone National Park in 5. Hell, it's more than 10 times bigger than Singapore and it's a freaking park. So the point is, there's nothing interesting about this country nature-wise. I can't go hike to some lake in the mountains or camp up in the woods. There are no real "woods" (by which I mean established entire forests that are hundreds of years old, the oldest clump of trees probably lives on Bukit Timah Hill) and it's illegal as well.

I'm a man of adventure. I want to get out there and see the Natural Wonders of the world. The Alps, the Pyrenees, Matterhorn, Mont Blanc, the Grand Canyon, the Rockies, the Appalachians, fjords and all that cool shit. I want to live in a country where I can get away from the city in the weekend, climb a real hill and see stretches of land all around me and the mountains in the distance. Wait till nightfall and see the universe above me. Drive on the highway and see the shadows of clouds on the rolling hills next to the road as I did in Australia. None of this is possible in Singapore.

Now, for the people. Honestly speaking, not all Singaporeans are assholes. But you see enough of them to think that all Singaporeans are assholes. Every time I take the train, I'm just dumbfounded by the kind of idiots who take public transport. For instance, a single man, standing on both sides of the escalator. He was not obese, carrying a lot of things or injured with crutches. He was merely an asshole. And then the stupid people who walked in a staggered column on the travelator in Serangoon, all of them at the same speed and close enough that you cannot weave in and out of them. Excuse me, if you're all traveling at the same speed anyway, can you fucking walk in one lane together and not hog the "fast" lane?  Or at least open up so I can actually move past you guys. I'm not even going to talk about standing on both lanes of the escalator because it happens every freaking time and it's not even worth talking about anymore because I see it every single time. Not to mention the people (I really don't know how to describe these people, whose behaviour is just baffling) who are practically rearing to charge out the door of the MRT and will start standing in front of the door as close to it as they can before the train has even arrived at the station and rush out as soon as the floodgates are open only to FUCKING STAND ON THE ESCALATOR. WHAT THE FUCK. You asstarts are in such a hurry to get out of the MRT just to stand on the fucking escalator? Gods help me.

And then the "scared to lose/scared to die" or kiasu kiasi mentality of Singaporeans. While I understand that Singapore is a competitive environment (maybe toxically so in certain respects) and sometimes being kiasu will help in vying for the top position, must this mentality extend to other areas as well? Granted, not every Singaporean has that mindset and not every Singaporean extends the mindset to outside competition realms, but it happens often enough. My mum often told me not to intervene if people are fighting in case I'm implicated, or injured. Kiasi. I say I should intervene within my means, meaning I don't get injured but at least try to do something about the fight. I daresay when danger is on the horizon, many of them will be at the forefront. The forefront of running away and letting someone else handle it. I'm sure it happens in other societies as well but it's just so pervasive here that I can't stand it. And many Singaporeans lack compassion as well. This is not a country who will really help its fellow countrymen. They only say they will. Just the other day I was watching a video where a motovlogger crashed. The first people to stop and help him were other riders and mostly white people. Even the motovlogger himself mentioned it, that the first people to help him in a crash were usually other riders and white people. Meanwhile all the other Singaporeans can't be bothered to give a shit. Think about it, the foreigners that Singaporeans hate so much (you would think that if you spent enough time on Straits Times' facebook comment section) are the first people to stop and help you, not other Singaporeans. How does it even feel?

Interlude, in case you don't realise, I refer to Singaporeans as they, not we. While Singapore is a country to be proud of, and I am, I am not proud to call myself a Singaporean, because I have not seen that most Singaporeans are worthy of my respect. Only a few have and it is not enough for me to be proud.

And then there's the culture. It's far too conservative for me. Gay marriage isn't allowed as of yet and transgenderism isn't recognised even if you've had the corrective surgery. Now, it doesn't affect me personally, since I'm cis-het trash but that doesn't mean my future children won't be. If it happens that they are, I would like that they are free to do what they want. Unfortunately, it would seem that the more open younger generation has no interest in politics and unless most of the voices in Parliament are of the open type, nothing will change. And instead of waiting for it to finally be, when my children may be halfway to the grave already, why not just go somewhere else where they don't have to wait and rarely have to face the criticism of the older folk?

I also sorta hate the education system, now don't get me wrong, it certainly works. It's a good system that has produced academics, though maybe it's too focused on academics and rote learning and neglects sports more. What I hate about it is that the only things you can learn in Singapore are the things that help Singapore's economy. You want to take up archaeology? Tough shit mate, good luck finding that in Singapore. Paleontology? Forget it, it's not like finding old fossils boosts Singaporean GDP. Astronomy? Singapore doesn't even have a space program. Granted NUS does offer Physics with specialisation in Astrophysics, which was my original aim, that's far from Astronomy. Don't even get me into Astrobiology or Cryptozoology, those are words that don't exist in Singaporean education. Now there's the argument of "What's the point in learning something that won't help you find a job (here)?" To that, I say perhaps you don't consider that maybe the student has no intentions of staying in Singapore anyway (me and I'm sure there are others as well) and perhaps you might have forgotten that a big part of learning is to enjoy what you are learning. Sure, it's better if you can do something with what you learned but if you don't enjoy it, then it's harder to do well for it.

My next point is that vehicle ownership here is cancerous. Most people will only ever own 1 vehicle and with that 1 vehicle they can buy 2 or 3 in other countries. Not to mention you only get to keep it for 10 years. I get that it's to control the vehicle population, which it is really successful at but no. I like my bikes and I intend to own several. I'm not about to pay 10 bikes' worth of money for 3 (or so) bikes and then be restricted in every which way on what modifications I can make and having to pay money for pointless inspections on what modifications my bike has to check if it is road legal damn near every year that I own the thing. And I don't mean servicing the bike. It's just inspections. And you have to pay for it. Even if I end up staying here and buying 3 bikes, it's a fucking waste of time to bring each of them to the inspection. And also kind of a lack of point in buying some of the bikes I want anyway since there's only city in Singapore and if I want to do any sort of offroading or touring, it'll be done overseas. Might as well skip the whole living in Singapore part so I can actually use my bike(s) for what it is meant for.

And now, perhaps the point that I've been waiting most fervently to make, is the NS system. Now, I'm not talking about the 2 years. I'm talking about the entire package. I understand that a conscription system is necessary for such a small nation, but it's amazingly asinine. For example, females are not required to serve. At all. Not even a little. I'm an egalitarian and I firmly believe, if males have to serve, so do females and others. Logically speaking, it only makes sense. Instead of placing males who could be doing active combat in support roles like transport drivers and storemen/armourers etc, why not place women in these roles. Their lack in physical strength isn't critical in these roles and it frees up more able bodied males for the front lines. Even if they don't serve in a military capacity, there are other things they could do in service of their nation, for example basic nursing or community work etc. When at war, you can bet there'll be casualties and having about half the nation know how to treat injuries is never a bad thing. It could be a way of teaching them skills which they would otherwise never learn. And they don't have to serve a full 2 years either, female draftees in Israel only serve 18 months vs the 30 months of male draftees. And it's not a bad way to get the population to mix either, think of it as a way of jump starting the birth rate, most males are delayed 2 years in the age that they start their families because it's hard to meet the opposite sex when you're busy in camp serving your nation. When you can meet them while doing your NS, it negates those 2 years and it helps you meet more girls that you otherwise might not have met. Besides, I feel that most girls nowadays need it, they're too spoiled and immature. They've mostly never known discomfort and it makes them soft and weak. Should we really be invaded one day, I doubt their ability to rise up to the challenge.

But it's not just that only males having to serve that bugs me. It's that they still hold on to you like a bloody leech after you've served. For 10 work years you have to apply to leave the nation and take a fitness test, as well as reservice. Now now, understand this, it's not 10 years, it's 10 any year they choose to call you back. If they don't call you back, the year count doesn't increase. And they like to keep you till you're 40, when you're halfway into the grave. You can't even leave the country if and when you please for a quarter of your life without applying for a permit to do so and in those 20 years you have to keep your hair short. That's right, you're a middle aged man and you still don't get to choose what you want to do with your own hair or go where you please. Meanwhile an officer in the Norwegian Navy gets to look like he's a spokesperson for a shampoo brand. Lasse Matberg if you've no idea who I was talking about. Seriously, google that name and be awed by his luscious locks and good looks. It's almost slavery, except they don't whip you daily and feed you wormy bread. But they still own you, and they like to remind you of that every year through birthday emails. Honestly, I have to applaud them for it. They make it hard for you to leave so that by the time you're free to go, you're halfway dead and have already settled out of necessity. When you're 40, it's hard to just leave your nest and go build a new one. You just don't have the energy to resettle and have to make new friends and what not. You probably have a family to worry about. My favourite way to describe this: "This country gave you wings, but it clipped them and kept them clipped until you're halfway dead. By then you've settled down because you can't fly even though you have wings and by the time they let you, you've either forgotten how to fly or can't afford to leave your current nest."

If you can tie down the male, whoever he marries will most likely be tied down with him, so essentially Singaporean females aren't the key to maintaining our population. They only need to tie the male down. That's fucked up as hell.

Not to mention that they shave your head when you are drafted. All in the name of "stripping away your identity and giving everyone something in common" or some bullshit like that. Really? The fact that we are all wearing the same uniform, on a strange island separated away from our friends and family and everything we know, eating the same food and suffering the same shit isn't enough common ground that we also all have to share the same haircut that we have to fucking pay $2 for? That's like paying a rapist $200 dollars to have her/him take your dignity away or $20 to the food stall owner to serve you cockroaches in your fly lice (fried rice). Insult to injury really. Again, even after I've done my service, I still can't do whatever the fuck I want with my hair till I'm halfway dead.

So that's about all the reasons why I hate this country. You don't have to agree with my reasons and you can certainly try to convince me otherwise, though it will be hard to because there are some things that literally cannot be changed about Singapore that I don't like. The bike and geography reason alone is enough for me to want to leave this country, you don't have to throw in NS into the mix. I can only hope I am fortunate enough to leave early enough that I can still enjoy life while I have the youth to do so.

Money

First off, GG, I didn't even realise I did not post the previous blog post, I'd written it like some 2 weeks ago and thought I published it but I actually didn't. And sometimes I like to forget the t at the end of thought (I corrected that). Currently quite sick with cough and runny nose, which all happened since Tuesday, which was the 12th of July, when I barfed while brushing my teeth. And no I don't mean tongue, I do mean teeth, specifically the insides of my molars. Damn you, weak gag reflex. Had a sore throat a couple hours after that and then it all went downhill.

Now, to the topic of the post, money. Let's just say that my control of my expenses are not the best, though I would say it is better than some people I know. Mainly because I don't have that much money to spend anyway and I don't like to borrow money. My savings are at a rather precarious state and I don't actually save more than SGD50 a month, maybe I might have been able to, but not with my current circumstances anyway. Had I had more savings, I would have said that life is good to me. Steam summer sales (though I've been beginning to have less and less time to actually play any games so it might be good to hold off on buying games for now), there's a supposedly a sale for my Kendo equipment which comes with some free stuff. There's Overwatch too, which is surprisingly cheap for such a new game and also an ARMA III expansion pack (which I say is rather overpriced but I'm quite sure it would've been much cheaper during the summer sales). Except it's not that simple.

See, I've been caught at a rather bad time. As some of my readers might know, I've recently gotten into a rather poisonous hobby. One that eats away at my wallet. I've been bitten quite badly by the fountain pen bug and I've my eyes set on several inks and pens. Problem is, they aren't available in Singapore (although some other inks I've my eyes on are, so I shall foresee that I will remain rather poor for some time to come). And so my coin purse may clink, but not much and whatever clinks may even be useable. What I'm looking to purchase is available in the US, and since my sister is going there, she can alleviate some of the shipping fees by bringing it back for me. I've checked the shipping fees to Singapore and boy, it's cancerous. I could get 5 inks for just the shipping fee. Only problem is, that means that right now I don't have any money to spare for my other vices.

In between the previous paragraph and this, I've gone on to purchase those pens and inks so now I'm truly broke. I've given the whole thing some thought though. I have to earn a lot of money to fund myself in future. I have a great many things I wish to own and many of those not cheap. And I also know that the life I seek will not be found in Singapore, which means I have to find a way out, which is going to be difficult. Right now, I'm not even sure if I can make it into university, in fact, I quite seem to have lost my way about my future. While I did have the ambition of being an astrophysicist, if I do make it to NUS and get the course and specialisation I want, I will be quite caught up with research and might not ever get the time to do what I want. And it's kind of a job that you never quit, being an astrophysicist. I had also alternatively thought of being an engineer, specifically in automobile design, if in case I do not make it into NUS and my desired course. Material Science has so far proven to be quite interesting for me, and the good part about being an engineer is that there isn't quite the pressure to break new ground like a scientist has. All an engineer has to do is to find a way to apply the science that someone else discovered to the real world and that's something I can quite see myself doing.

Before I digress any further into other topics that fully deserve a whole blog post of their own (when I finally find the passion to do it, because sometimes it sorta fizzles out and I realise there isn't really much to say about it, much like this one), I'd just like to end off with, I'm poor as fuck and it's entirely my doing. Though others would say that I'm not, given that I do have purchasing power and I did just purchase, my point is that I can't get all the things I want right now and honestly, it's just life. We all have to weigh our choices and it just so happens that my pens happen to come first.

Apathy

Shall begin by saying that this will be a semi-ranty post. If you're into good vibes and shit, you can fuck right off because none will be had in this post. Honestly I don't think this whole blog has any good vibes at all anyway so why do you keep coming here for the bad/realist vibes?

Some time ago, I had this revelation that people with brain damage don't actually know they are fucked up (it's not really anything new but it just never occurred to me that way before). That's because their perception of themselves is normal, despite it not being so. Which led me to think that perhaps maybe I am damaged, not in the sense that I got fucked real good in the head by some dude with a baseball bat but in the sense that I am lacking in certain areas. I mean, in my brain, quite literally. Perhaps not too many people know this, but I'm incredibly unempathetic. I cannot feel for others at all. I do not know what it is like, or mean, to be empathetic. I can tell you're sad or happy (sometimes) but I won't share your emotions. And say if I'm sad that you are sad, it is not for the same reasons you are sad, but that I'm sad that you are sad, which isn't really empathy.

And to add on top of that lack of empathy, I am incredibly apathetic. It is incredibly hard to get me to care for things because there are so few things I care about. I don't even care about myself. If ever, I get into hospital, I won't tell people about it unless they ask, nor will I ask them to come visit me. Honestly I can't care if anyone will come visit me at all. I just don't. You show up, great, you don't, great. I'll catch up with you whenever that'll be. In fact, I might actually prefer that you don't, so I can do my own stuff.

I've come to realise that as a person, I'm highly individualistic. I don't rub well with many people because of the reasons I've listed prior, among other things, such as my disdain for ignorants, perfectionism, volatile nature (over particular issues but not so much others) as well as my taste for distasteful humour (the more fucked up it is, the more likely I am to find it funny, to a certain degree), to name a few. And because I know I don't interact well with many people (I always have the feeling that the people who interact with me are more tolerating me than actually interested in me), I don't try to interact with them. All of that, while I was growing up, had led me to become rather introverted. I dislike spending time outside my nest, it drains my energy. And spending time with people, because it drains my energy too, particularly with strangers and people I don't like. Also why after holidays I am not quite warm to people because I'm just getting used to having my energy drained.

Which leads me to my point about brain damage. What if somehow, while I was growing up, a lack in stimulation of a certain region in my brain resulted in who I am today? Like somehow, my lack of empathy and severe apathy is due to my poor raising. Now, I'm not an expert on neuroscience but everything about a person can be somewhat traced back to his brain. There is a reason why so and so person is so and so. It is something in his brain, be it the lack of activity or the lacking of it entirely that causes a person's behaviour to be as such. So, I am quite certain that my lack of empathy (which is really severe, despite the fact that I am male and males tend to be less empathetic, so can you imagine how much I can't feel you?) and apathy is related to something wrong with my brain, though you could argue that wrong is subjective, since I'm clearly not mentally handicapped (or am I?).

That is all. Peace out.

Thoughts

And so, a week into my holidays, read "study break", emphasis on study, has passed and despite what it may seem, no studying has been done. I have a week left, hopefully I'll make some use out of it. I've mostly been doing nothing really productive, just watching YouTube and playing video games. I've finally had the time to go for Kendo, which is great, because I've been missing out on a lot, far too many in fact. I might not go the week that school begins, because exams, or maybe I might, who knows.

I've just had this thought hanging at the back of my head that I heard some trainings ago, that when you're in the dojo, you're there to train, so don't think of anything else, and just train. That led me to think about how it should apply to other stuff as well, when you're in class, you should be there to learn, well, obviously, though I can't say I've done that. I guess I gotta get it in me, although maybe in other ways, it already is in me, for example, I can't seem to get the will to study at home unless I really have to, so I guess I better start going to school next week, library anyone?

I just really can't wait to be out of the rut of my life though, I feel the thirst of the wilds and the hunger of the roads. I don't want to be stuck here, week after week, going to school/work, coming home and watching YouTube, sitting at home doing the same on the weekends and doing it all over again next week. I want to be out there, doing something new every week, seeing something new every week and being somewhere new every week. I can't stand even 6 weeks of school, I don't see how I can stand years of the same weekly rut of life.

I don't think I've said it here before, but I hate Singapore. Don't get me wrong, it is a decent country. It is very safe and it is good in many areas. I just don't foresee it as a place I want to settle down and raise my kids. The reasons are aplenty and I'm far too lazy at the moment to list them out.

I've noticed recently that the local dominant newspaper recently posted an article on their Facebook saying how there's gender inequality in certain jobs. First and foremost, I'd just like to point out that posts like these come from places like America as well and usually they love to focus on a few industries and positions. Namely STEM and Business and positions of leadership. Always complaining about how these industries lack females and don't have an inclusive environment for them. Honestly, it's the 21st century, yes there are still close minded people but they're few and far between (though common enough in Singapore, one of the reasons why I won't be raising my kids here and subjecting them to their prejudice), who still even is trying to stop women from entering these fields? Honestly, I'm quite sure there are plenty of people in the STEM field who would love to finally see a female face in their workplace. If people aren't going to these places, then there aren't going to be any people in these places, it's as simple as that (just like all the jobs that involve hard labour like construction).  The problem isn't with the industry, it's that people aren't telling their kids to go to these fields or getting them interested in it.

And they seem to ignore the fact that there is an extremely disproportionate amount of males working construction, lumbering or other such fields of work. Doesn't matter eh? Not a comfortable job, who gives a fuck if there's no women doing these tough ass jobs. And that no female serves National Service. Yea, honestly I still can't get over that. There is absolutely no equality in not having females serve NS in any form and I can tell you for a fact that these days, most girls need it as much as the guys do. Society is too soft and too coddled and it makes for an easy target. There's far too many sheep, not enough sheepdogs and we're a small herd. So as I've said, the people who make such posts clearly aren't concerned with equality. Equality goes both ways, and they are clearly only interested in tipping the scales to their favour. Before you want to talk about gender equality in the workplace, why not talk about gender equality for NS first?

Me

Honestly I couldn't have picked a better time to have the feels for writing a blog post, it's just past 3am now and I'm struck by the feels to write a blogpost. At least my lessons are at 12 noon tomorrow. Got a beer by me and it's time to let loose my inner writing demon. Feel like I should talk about myself lately, it's been rather rough and kinda just gotta let it out a little.

Right now, I got my music on and I'm ready to just get into the vibe of writing. Honestly, if anyone listens to my choice of music, there's usually only a couple things that happen, 1, they assume I'm a clubber, 2, they've usually never heard of more than a quarter of the songs in my playlist at any one time (for my last 3 playlists at least). Well they're not wrong that I club, except I do it at my seat in front of my computer. I've never set foot in a club mainly because I don't see the point of getting it on surrounded by strangers, sweat and spilled beer. I'd much rather do it with some close friends though most aren't the clubber type. And they've never heard of the music I listen to before because most of the time, they're not into electronic music, and even if they are, the titles I listen to mostly aren't mainstream, at least not locally. I'd be hard pressed to find more than 2 people I know who know what Monstercat is. This is also why I avoid going to karaokes because more often than not, the songs I know or want to sing won't be available because they aren't mainstream.

Lately, the deadlines are closing in and I've been feeling so choked and suffocated. In the sense that I just become so busy that everything I do isn't sort of for me, I am not enjoying what I'm doing. Yes, Kendo has been rather taxing, it just burns me out so much that for most of the rest of the week I'm just trying to heal up for the next training. I think I love Kendo, the Sensei is passionate, it is fun and I'm really loving having people try to kill me (sounds real masochist but I do admit I do swing that way just a little), but it is just a tad too killer for me. I hate to miss out on trainings, in fact, I've just missed 2 in a row, which is much needed so that I could work on my assignments and myself a little but it honestly bums me out because I feel like these 2 were particularly important, having been just after Sumi Sensei, an 8th dan Sensei, graced us with his teachings. I just feel like there is so much to learn (probably a little too much for me actually) and I've just missed out on so much that it really sucks. If things go well, I might be able to turn up for the coming training on Friday at least.

But besides Kendo, the work lately has just made it incredibly claustrophobic. I feel like I'm drowning half the time, I'm exhausted, I'm burned out and I need some time for me, to watch some videos, to play a couple games, and just relax a little. The stress is kinda overwhelming. I'm on edge most of the time and I'm so lethargic sometimes I catch myself just blanking out during group conversations. I've never felt this much stress before, not in Secondary School or DGAD. In Sec school I honestly just couldn't be bothered. In DGAD, I was tired most of the time but I've never felt stress, even doing 3D modelling or during crunch time (well maybe a little, but I never felt this suffocated). Things at home hasn't exactly been relaxed at all, if anything, there's only been more pressure.

Just a short break before I go back to talking about me, at this point I've run out of my beer and I'm not keen on making this the time I open a Guinness for the first time. I wouldn't be able to enjoy my virgin experience! That said, I do just feel like I need to get a little more drunk, a moment of revelry in a time of darkness. It may become a toxic habit soon enough, if I use ethanol as a way to escape my troubles, though it seems so far to be the only thing capable of making me think of things other than them.

Thankfully, I'm not alone. I do have friends by my side in this tough time. Though I may not openly express it (a pertinent issue with me), I am actually rather grateful for them. Other friends may not be quite as... distracting. They just have a way of making me forget about the strife for the short time I'm with them, though sometimes, my obligations have a way of nagging at the back of my mind to return to my work, for it is certain that I will spend at least half my time just blankly staring at my work, incapable of formulating a proper solution for it. I will not say who you are, but you know who you are. Thank you.

As of now, in my foreseeable future, I just don't think I have the time to do everything I want to do. I have many games to play, I buy them but I never have the time to get around to playing them. I have so many videos to watch on YouTube. As of now, my backlog sits at exactly 1808 videos, though this is definitely more than likely to change the moment tomorrow comes. I have a recorder that I want to get to learning, not sure if I've mentioned this earlier but I've found out that there is actually a whole lot more notes you can play with it than I was taught in primary school, just think about the world I'm missing out on.

Since I'm on the topic of music, I suppose this is the tangent I will head off on for now. I've actually considered joining Soundcard, which is a basically a singing CCA in NYP. I actually used to sing while playing the League O Leggo with my Sec sch friends, of course, they hated it most the time. Hell, I probably would have too. Well I do think I can sing, I just have a problem with opening up in front of others without alcohol loosening my inhibitions, which includes dancing as well and why I failed ballroom auditions. For the matter, I think most of my songs would either be EDM or something obscure they've most likely never heard before like ARTTM, who are sadly disbanded.

I also, a little known fact by most, have taken up to 2nd grade in Piano, surprise. Though I must again admit that I actually have forgotten most of it. I can probably only play up to Grade 1 songs as of now. A friend is encouraging me to get back into it and I can't say I don't want to, I just have several reservations about it. For one, I'm rather old now, I'm almost 20 and way out of the period of time where my brain is flexible enough to learn music quickly. I don't have a lot of time either, given that NS is coming up, I have Kendo, I have so many videos to watch and so many games to play. I also probably don't want to learn it professionally, because it will require me to get graded and in order to be graded I will have to learn classical pieces and I'm honestly just not into them. I'd much rather play pop songs (as much I don't listen to pop), game theme songs and EDM songs, of which I'm quite sure the latter 2 don't have a huge following or would be easily recognisable. I also hate to associate myself with notes, I can barely read music now and it honestly just fucks me up to read some squiggles on lines. If I do pick it up, I will probably try to do it by ear and YouTube and I doubt it is an easy task to learn an entire song that way, especially when the tones are made artificially too.

Enough talk about music though, I shall perhaps talk about a topic that I've always wanted to talk about but kinda didn't really get the chance to. No longer will I push it back to a later date, it just seems that the later I push it, the less likely it is that it'll ever be fleshed out. It has been a while since I broke up with my last ex. In a couple days, it would have been one full year since. She seems to not have wasted any time, I don't doubt that she's gone on dates with at least 2 guys within 3 months, as of now, given the little I know, she appears to be in a relationship with someone, saying words that she used to say about us. Honestly, sometimes I act like I hate her and I do, but other times, I do wish that she does eventually find her happiness and break her own curse. I don't think we can ever return to a state of friendship like I did with another "ex" (honestly now that I think back, we were only ever b/gf in name) because I can't help but feel like in some way, she has betrayed me, though to my knowledge she never physically cheated on me. Emotional cheating isn't any better in any case.

I used to have all these ideals on what I want in my partner but now honestly, I feel it's a little foolish. Right now I just hope I can find a girl who is willing to stick with me while I am building up myself and can understand me. Sounds kinda selfish, now that I say it out. I guess I'm just tired of having to always wonder if I'm a good boyfriend and if we'll work out in the long run. I guess I just haven't had a relationship where I've felt like the girl hasn't expected some kind of fairy tale Prince Charming. For some reason, girls seem to only be after a finished product, if the guy is in the midst of developing himself, he's not even considered. I can only say, before a diamond is worth anything, it has to first be cut and polished, before then, it's just another rock. You gotta help each other to realise their potential and build each other up. If it is just one person carrying the other up, you can bet they'll eventually tire of lofting you.

I guess I'll end it here. I've spent almost 2 hours writing this. I've been sober for a while now and this is probably by far the longest blogpost I've ever written. Not sure when the next one will be. I suppose this will serve as some sort of snapshot of my thoughts at this current juncture in my life. Until then,

Toodles~

Hobby

It's been more than a while since my last post, about 4 weeks in fact, maybe more. I've just been sorta lost in the buzz of life back at school and the like. This will probably be more of an update post, I wish I'd have the time to talk about other things but I don't quite have the luxury. Maybe in a couple week's time I would.

So in the time between my last post and now, I've expanded my pen collection to include a TWSBI Eco, Jinhao X750 and a couple more Platinum Preppies. I won't talk too much about them lest this turns into a pen review post instead of an update. I'll just say that the Eco is by far my most interesting pen and the X750 writes better than I expected for a mere 10SGD. I'd seriously recommend the X750 for anyone interested in getting into fountain pens. It may not be a Safari or Kaweco but hey, if you don't decide they are your thing, it's just 10SGD and it writes comparatively similarly to a Safari. Plus it doesn't have the weird section.

I've also joined the NYP Kendo club. I'll be honest in saying that I am not particularly interested in Kendo as Kendo but rather more interested in Kenjutsu. But hey, Kenjutsu just isn't as prolific as Kendo and for now, it will serve my purposes, which is a way of testing my tenacity, keeping fit and letting myself free, in the sense that I get to get in touch with my more primal side. So far I can only say that I have been much discouraged from staying, economically it is rather costly, and it also takes up roughly 10h every week from my free time. I won't say it is a test of my time management because honestly, I'm not making it so and let's be honest, I can't manage my time and I don't bother to, that's just not who I am. As for my fellow juniors in Kendo, I can only say I am highly disappointed by them.

I could tell that some of them totally have no knowledge about anything at all, and yet they are talking as if they know a lot. I've heard one of them say a shinai is a weapon. No, no it is not. If they wanted to make it a weapon, they would have made it out of solid wood instead of bamboo staves that can flex so it makes the hit hurt less. That among other things that have quite escaped my mind. I just wish they wouldn't claim to know stuff that isn't true.

Is it fair to extend my expectations to strangers as well? Given that I am also an inexperienced Kendoka, am I hypocritical if I say they are subpar? I've only attended about 5 trainings so far, and in that 5, what I have seen has only disappointed. It is a dojo, a place of respect and yet, many are laissez-faire in their bearing, standing improperly, holding the shinai improperly, using it as a walking cane, mind you, leaning on it for support and even 3 weeks into the CCA I am still seeing it. I shall not go on before I make the rest of this paragraph solely about this. Let me move on to their kiai, which is a sort of battle cry before we attack. And now, what's the purpose of a battle cry? To show your strength, courage and will to fight. It is to intimidate your opponent and demonstrate your prowess. When they kiai, a small child might start laughing. And I don't mean the girls' kiai. Of course theirs wouldn't be as strong, I am talking about the guys'. Seriously, it's just that weak, they don't shout during the warm-ups either. Absolutely deplorable.

Moving on to the strikes, they all hit, I mean tap, with the absolute lightest touch. It's not just the girls doing it, now it might be that they aren't as strong, that is fine, but even guys are doing that, what the fuck? I had a guy barely hit me for every strike he made. I don't even. And so many of them are afraid of hitting and getting hit. Then let me ask you, if you are not a warrior at heart, then why did you join the fight? It might be better for you to sit at home in front of your fire with a book in your lap than in the fields of battle in front of your enemy with a sword in your hand. And yes, I know that's no longer what Kendo is anymore but that was what it was about when it was born, a way of training for war without using steel.

But I will say that I do like the sensei actually, he does have a passion for the sport. I quote,

"I don't want finances to get in the way of you learning Kendo if you have the passion." 

Now, I've never seen someone so dedicated in getting people to join that he's willing to go out of his way to talk to people and see how much of a discount he can help us get for our gear. It's really impressive and he's certainly got my respect.

And as you may have noticed, these are my latest hobbies, however, as I have stated in my previous post, I have expensive tastes and so far that has proven true. Kendo is likely to cost me 800-1000SGD and my pens aren't all that cheap either (though surprisingly cheaper than Kendo, as it turns out). I think I will continue with Kendo though, I do quite enjoy it actually.

Taste

The last post I regret that I have done too late and hence I have forgotten some details which resulted in a poor recount of the events. However, I'm just going to talk about something that has dawned upon me in my trip, which is that I have very expensive tastes. If you know me on my other platforms or in my more recent real life, you may know what I am talking about. So I shall begin.

If you have noticed my Instagram, most of my more recent posts have been of writing, and that is because I have more or less recently gotten into this dangerous (for my wallet) hobby of fountain pens. I got my first one, which was a Muji pocket fountain pen, more or less, about at the start of this year actually and it's a pretty good pen, for a pocket one. The cap tends to slide up and down when posted and is too short for me unposted but in terms of its writing experience and looks, I don't really have much complaints against it. It's relatively cheap too, about 13SGD, and you may think this expensive, but you will soon learn that there are more expensive ones out there. Woe be my wallet for as of now, my shopping cart carries a price of 210USD. 3 pens and the rest inks. And surprisingly, the inks cost more than my pens, but I do concede that they are mostly large bottles, which I may never use up and that they are slightly more expensive (but do come with free pens, some of them at least).

Fountain pens definitely aren't cheap and neither are their inks. That is true. But I'd say that over the long run, they are actually just as if not more economical than ballpoints. Plus your writing just looks so much more phenomenal because there are certain inks that have more vibrant colours or incredible shading and it just makes your writing so much more interesting even if it isn't. But this is an incredibly expensive taste, I cannot deny that. The more amazing the pens are, the more they tend to cost especially if they are made by hand, like some authentic Maki-e pens are, or are branded, like Montblanc and Visconti.

Some of my other more expensive tastes lie in watches as well, though I do not really know much about them, I do admit that I like a good looking watch. Then there's suits, which honestly if I had the money, I'd never be seen not in one unless there's exercise involved. Shoes as well, for they are my poison. I have 2 more shoes that I have yet to wear because my current shoe is still wearable, though if it were up to me, I'd retire it because it has been rather disfigured from use. I also like my alcohol and unfortunately, in Singapore, it is a very expensive habit. Which is kinda why I don't intend to stay here for long, for other reasons as well.

So I guess that's the end of my post, my tastes are expensive and I'm a poor person. That is all.

Trip

Finally back from my school trip and I'm knackered to shit.  This post will probably be mainly about the trip and less of my thoughts while I was there, I have decided to move those to its individual upcoming posts.(This ended up sitting as a draft on one of my tabs untouched for a week or so so I'm going to finally finish it now.)

So honestly it was kinda all over in a flash. It did not feel like it had been so long, even up until the moment we had to leave Panyu for Hong Kong. I guess time flies when you are having fun and with good company eh? Wasn't much to do on the first day actually because by the time we reached the school it was almost 1700+ and we just went for dinner before being shown the other canteen and our hostel. I was absolutely knackered from having spent the previous night awake (fucked up sleep cycle, couldn't fix it in time) so I had an "early" night. Though the others were not so. Hardly had much sleep throughout the whole trip except the last Sunday. Can't quite remember what we did on what day but basically there was a visit to a couple historic sites and the Toyota factory in Guangzhou as well as this super ancient TCM company that was at least 300-400 years old. There was also a visit to a beer factory, which is probably bad for my life, it had been a while since I had a taste of my poison. And squat toilets, fuck squat toilets.

There was a lot of exposing about my life as well. Though I did learn something about the others, I can't help but feel that I've exposed more to them than they did to me. Though it's not always that others have a life that is filled with experiences that others are interested in, just so happened that mine was. There was a lot of talk about my past "relationships" because honestly I think only 1 of them can really be considered a real relationship, though also not really. Kinda strange that there I was giving "relationship advice" when none of my relationships lasted longer than a year and all of them failed in some way. Personally I just didn't feel like I was the right person to do it. Shouldn't they be asking their parents? They did reach the "end game" of dating after all.

As for things I bought myself, I didn't really get much, other than fountain pens, which are a new found passion of mine. There were 3 different models available at the school's convenience store, I bought 2 of them, which is fairly interesting to me because these aren't things you just find like that in Singapore. They were fairly cheap and I haven't really formed an opinion on them yet, as of now I've only written with one and it's fairly expectant of its price range, which was 3 SGD. Then there was the Lamy one I bought which is by far the most expensive pen I have that I doubt I will bring out for fear of losing it and I doubt I will be lending to people in any case because of the nib wearing and that most people tend not to know how to use a fountain pen and I don't wanna risk it breaking. Oh and in Hong Kong, I went to Disneyland there and got me a BB-8 blueprint shirt as well as a Resistance pin. I just have a penchant for little trinkets like that (I mean the pin).

So that's probably about it.

What's going on?

I have decided to make this public. As some of my readers will know, it was a draft on my blog that culminated in my third ex and I getting together. The following is that draft without this first paragraph. Understand that this was written almost a whole year ago and was pretty hastily written without much proofreading and hence the English is not only a little cancerous, some details are also left out while others that I did not remember have remained here. I have also gained much clearer hindsight on my first 2 relationships as well so whatever I have mentioned about them in the draft may not be relevant anymore. I have made a decision to keep the original title of the draft as opposed to my recent trend of one word titles.

Just exactly what is going on? Recent developments have made me really confused. So on last Wednesday, the bro and I went to visit Ian and YF, who in case you didn't know, are together and Ian is my sec sch bro and YF is the bro's sec sch bro. The coincidences. Not sure if I said it before but here it is again if I did. 

Anyway, I had the pinchings of a lifetime that day. By the gods. They were real and they came so often. Well YF pinched Ian too so I guess we both had it. Though I still think I had it more. And then there's other things. She slept on me because she didn't want to sleep on the table(and I was 100% sure I smelled like sweat). Then there was the tickling, which I attempted to stop by grabbing her hands, which I then realised I still held on to it so I decided to let it go. And her caressing my hair, which she did on Wednesday and Friday, when we went to Ikea after fixing her laptop. And while we were queueing up for food, she looked up into my face and did this real adorable smile with her eyes closed. Like geez it was tempting to go ahead and peck her on the lips. But we're just friends and it would have been creepy if I did that so I didn't. And then on the train journey back, there was space for both of us on the train to stand pretty apart, close since it was crowded but not that crowded that we were touching. She for some reason decided to push me(not physically but sort of made me back up by coming nearer and nearer) into the door such that her face was literally underneath mine and I swore she grazed my dick with the back of her hand. And then using me as a pole in the MRT, holding on even when the train was stationary.

I'm really not quite sure what to make of all that. Throughout 10 years of my education and interaction with females, I've neither made that much contact with a girl nor received that much flirting. Well then again there were my two girlfriends. Apart from them, not really anyone else. And the level of flirting was beyond what they ever did. Now see, she's really a great girl. She's definitely attractive, pretty smart, caring and a brilliant friend. I can see myself loving her more than friends. But I'm hesitant because this could be not what I think it is. Either she does like me, she doesn't and just doesn't know how to not make boys fall in love with her. And I don't think it likely that she likes me because we've been shipped together by our friends before and we have both given it thought. She said that I'm a lot like her boyfriend and she broke up with him like literally on Friday. Because he was too nice for a fucked up bitch like her. Which to be honest, I don't think she's a fucked up bitch at all. Then again, I don't know her history so I can't say.

And I'm also hesitant. Hesitant because I know her boyfriend and he knows me. Also, a classmate likes her too. Even if she does like me, I'm still hesitant to do it because of my principles. I don't want to feel like I took her from them. I'm sorta lukewarm about this because of that. In the case that she does like me, that's great cause she's a wonderful girl. But then again I'm reluctant to like her back because of my principles and because of the other 2 guys. It's a fantastic dilemma ain't it?

Palestine

Haven't blogged in ages just because but I'm back and I've got something to talk about. Palestine. Well not really Palestine but rather Muslims and Palestine. Recently a news site had published an article about an Israeli soldier who shot a subdued Palestinian who had stabbed another soldier. Now, I'm going to say first, I'm not anti-Muslim or antisemitic, or anti-anything. I just call things out the way it is. Recently the Palestinians have been stabbing people or driving over people with their cars. I don't care about that either, because it's not my issue. I'm also not going to judge the soldier who shot the man, because I don't know him. He could just really hate the Palestinians or maybe he was infuriated by the man because he stabbed his best friend. Who knows?

What I really wanted to talk about is the Muslims who have been calling the Israelis "Zionist terrorists", and accusing them of genocide and illegally occupying the land that hold. Well if you really wanted to blame someone, you'd have to blame the Brits, who promised the land to Zionists, the Palestinians themselves and a third party for help in taking down the Ottoman empire. Then when the UN was formed, the Brits promptly dumped this issue onto them, who decided to give the land to the Zionists. So in other words, they are not illegally occupying the land. Nor that of the Sinai Peninsula and part of the Golan Heights because it was Egypt, Jordan and Syria who invaded them first and they came to possess those areas in their counteroffensive. And honestly, given the battle record of the IDF, it really wouldn't take that long for them to completely wipe out the Palestinians if they really wanted to.

So as I was saying, these Muslims that are supporting the Palestinians are only doing it because of Palestinian Muslims. Now, Palestine is a large place and historically has been populated by people of many religions, particularly Islam and Christianity. So what does that mean? There are Christian Palestinians (and Palestinians of other religions as well). So what else does that mean? Those Muslims that have been supporting Palestine are actually hypocrites. They aren't supporting Palestinians because it's a crime against humanity or that they sympathise with their struggle and what not, it's merely because of the fact that most Palestinians are Muslim. If Palestinians had been overwhelmingly Christian instead of Muslim (or really any other religion), I bet you my ass that none of them would be supporting the Palestinian cause. And seriously, some of them actually condone the stabbing, yet they condemn the shooting. Shouldn't you be condemning both?

And before I end off, Hamas isn't exactly a white knight either, they've used ambulances as troop transport and purposefully placed rocket batteries in civilian areas and also target civilian areas with those same rockets. They also put their headquarters and such in civilian areas, using them as human shields. So really, you can't expect me to sympathise with them either. I would also like to reiterate that I am not anti-Muslim, I'm just calling some of them out on their hypocrisy. That is all.

Exam

Literally exams tomorrow. Or today, if you're like me and like to count it as the next day once it passes midnight. But I am also a person that requires to sleep before a day actually passes in my mind. So when I stay up for more than 24 hours, which is a common occurrence, that causes temporal problems for me where I lose track of the days. And I know jack shit about the last topic for the exam tomorrow, which is vectors (well not jack shit, I know the secondary school stuff but there's also new stuff so you know), and I'm right before the last tutorial but I'm just going to catch a quick break to type this blog post because my priorities are obviously in check. I check them as much as I check my straight Asian male privilege.

And should the fact that I did not listen in class and hence not know what the last topic is about faze me? Yes, why yes it should. Am I fazed? Not in the slightest. Honestly, if you can do the tutorials, you can do the exam. I did, after all, finish an exam with 20mins to spare and scored an A grade on it. I can only say, you just gotta be careful. If you could do the tutorials, you should be able to do the exam. Plain and simple. But honestly I feel like eventually the fact that I am never fazed by anything will come around and bite me in me arse and I'll kick myself in the arse at that moment for having known but not bothered. Like I could literally be facing death and be calm as fuck until I realised I fucked up actually and my last words would be," Well shit." Or," Oh fuck."

I'm also kind of an indirectly direct guy. Like say if I don't like you, you'll eventually know. I won't say it to your face, but you'll know. I won't pretend I like you, or at least, not for an extended period of time and even if I'm tolerating you, I will definitely still make sure I get out what I don't like about you, though I might not make it obvious at that moment. And I also literally do not give a fuck if you don't like me back. I don't need approval from other people. The only approval I need is from myself. As a friend of mine would say," Fuck you, you don't tell me what to do." Well unless of course someone's life is in danger or you're telling me how to bake a cake or something. Otherwise, if you don't like me as a person, I don't care in the slightest. Little people don't get to dictate my life. Go ahead and block me, it only tells me I win by forfeit. You can earn my respect when you can back your shit up yourself. Until then, what you're telling me is the equivalent of air. Worthless.

Which also reminds me of this other piece of shit that I've actually talked about before. I'll just call him K9. Basically, a piece of shit not because he has a shit character, which he does but that's not the point, but because he denies what he is. First of all, he's a weeb (weaboo). I am inclined to dislike weebs if that's my first impression of them and they reek of weeb. That's not to say I hate weebs, I do know nice weebs and they were usually people who I never had the first impression that they were weebs.

Now at first, I did not know he was one. (Or I might have forgotten that I did think he was one because once I think you're at least an okay guy, I don't really mind if you're a weeb anymore. He also supposedly used to have anime girl badges all over his "tactical spec ops black" backpack that I now faintly remember and might have told him it completely destroys the look he is attempting.) But gradually the fact that he consistently keeps recommending me manga and anime and knows the most obscure of references in those genres and even knows what shit like step ahegao something something hentai means (it was once referenced in a 4chan post that I showed him, the exact subgenre of hentai escapes me but step ahegao was inside it and he actually read the manga that was recommended by the guy who asked for one in that genre in the post, clearly well versed in the weaboo).

And he was also extremely proud of this iPhone background featuring an anime girl with tits that could jiggle in accordance to the angle of tilt of the phone, complete with sakura petal shower animated in the background. He even proudly showed me the fact that you could adjust the jiggliness of the titties. His steam profile picture and wallpaper used to be those of anime girls until he changed it recently in order to mask the fact that he's a weeb probably and he also collects wallpapers of Japanese visual novel games. Allegedly for fun. Hmmm, I mean all the signs point to the fact that he's a weeb but sure, of course, you collect those for fun. I collect knives for fun too, but I'm in no way a fan of knives. Nuh uh. 

He also smokes. I will say first that I have nothing against smokers, honestly. I've known many a smoker and never judged them by the fact that they smoke or why they do it. But he, is a very special brand of shithead. See, where most smokers know that they shouldn't ask other people to smoke with them if they don't smoke, or they know it's not healthy or normal for most people, he thinks it's a very normal thing. In his words, "Everyone will smoke at one point or another in their lives, especially if you are in the army." Here's another one, "In order to become an officer in NS, you have to smoke and not get caught." Well you might wonder how the sergeant knows if you're officer material if you weren't caught, I know, I wondered too. But apparently, he says, they just know because they smoke too. But they will never know the method you used because they never used it themselves and hence won't catch you using it. And also apparently it's not leadership or intelligence that shows you're officer material. It's smoking. You heard it from him first. Honestly, I've lived 18 years and he has said by far the most stupid and illogical things I've ever heard. I wonder seriously if he listens to himself sometimes.

His Zippo lighter that never used to be functional (it doesn't have fuel in it), suddenly, recently became functional. I've told him in the past that if he fueled it up he could do those lighter tricks and shit which is pretty cool and he said," Nah I just own it for fun." Mysteriously though, it works now, he doesn't know the tricks because he just opens and lights it in the middle of class like how a normal person who doesn't know the tricks would. Well if he doesn't know the tricks, isn't practicing them either, I wonder why it works now? Can't be related to the fact that he disappears for half an hour for a few lessons and when he returns, plays with a packet of ciggarettes for about 10 mins before he finally keeps it in his bag now, can it? Nah, can't be. He doesn't smoke, just like how he's not a weeb.

Honestly I've seen him smoke 1 time, from which I could tell he's not an experienced smoker and doesn't know how to smoke from the way he expels the smoke and holds the cigg, not to mention the fact that he lacks a smoker's etiquette of not sharing the smoke with non-smokers. I've sat at an entire table of smokers smoking away and not caught a single whiff of the smoke. Not the case with him. Oh he would come and hang out with you and be all cheery as if it's nothing wrong. And also he broke his promise to a friend which was that he would only smoke when he was with him. I do not know who that guy is, never seen him and K9 still smoked in front of me. I don't have to say more do I.

Honestly, never mind that he smokes, he's going around extolling that smoking is normal and he told this rather innocent girl, whom I fear might not really know what's good for her, that smoking is a normal thing and he would respect her if she smokes. But it's fine if you don't, you don't have to. "It's cool to inject yourself with cancer, I'll respect you if you do. But if you don't, it's fine too, you just won't be cool and respectable." Honestly what a freaking shithead, that's all I can say. Grade A fuckwit. He just keeps denying what he is. I can't stand that. He's lost all the respect I had for him (honestly, I had some because he was finally someone that understands what I am saying when I talk about firearms and such, a rare find in Singapore). I hardly talk to him anymore and I don't lose anything out of it, he's a real fucker. At least man up and have the fucking balls to own up to your words and deeds. I recently got a haircut (which needs product to stay in proper shape and all) and he's told me that I need to get a real man's haircut, which in his opinion is a fucking buzz cut. If you think that's cool, more power to you, but by no means does a man's hairstyle determine his masculinity. If you think it does, your perspective needs some serious checking.

I've said more than I should and deviated quite a lot from my original talking points into a rant so I'll end it before I end up sleeping at 03 30.

Stay

So I have not blogged recently at all. No excuses really, I was just really into Terraria for the past month, though not so much in the recent week due to work and trying to get into the exam mood, which they are coming in the next couple weeks. Also generally had a lack of really exciting things to blog about so there. But I kinda wanna just talk about my life in NYP so far and how things could have turned out quite differently.

I've had a chance to follow a friend I will call B, to an event, namely the Adventure Club's commissioning or handing down of positions or whatever you wish to call it. The seniors leave and pass on their positions to the young'uns basically. As some of you might know, I'm actually in my second year at NYP, though I'm still year 1 technically cause I transferred courses. Even less known is that I've actually joined Adventure Club on one training, namely the very first one of the academic year in my first year. It left a bad taste in my mouth for reasons I will not say, not exactly anything wrong with them, mostly with me. DGAD is kind of killer on workload at the time, I wanted my gaming time and I wasn't keen on reaching home at 2330 so I did not continue on with ADC. Quite ironically I usually returned around that time later in the first year though.

So anyway, I joined them for their commissioning and the funny thing is really, I could've been there as one of them rather than an uninvited entourage. It was really strange as I was sitting there and looking at all the year 2 people taking over positions, going up on stage, and thinking," I would've known these people had I decided to stay with them instead of pussing out." Which led me to think of another thing as well. Probably very little known is that I had this interest in joining Ballroom in my first year as well. I was just quite mesmerised by the dresses and the moves. Perhaps even before I was in NYP, I had some interest in joining a partnered dance, not a great interest but it was on the list at least. But there was no one I knew joining and I wasn't keen on joining on my own so I stayed my decision and ended up in the Go Home Club - the CCAless people. So the other thing I was thinking was that had I gone and joined Ballroom, I probably would have had a very different relationship with B and A, a guy from Ballroom that I am acquainted with.

It's just quite interesting that I'm running into my past in quite unexpected situations and I'm seeing how differently things could have turned out differently had I stayed with my previous decisions or my penchants.

AC

Incoming rant about what the AC franchise of games were like, what they've done wrong mostly. Note that this only contains context with reference to Black Flag and Rogue, not the later titles, so probably quite late to the party.

I've just spent the past 3 weeks playing 2 AC titles, namely Black Flag and Rogue, and I don't have very many good things to say about it apart from the fact that their storylines are good. In terms of the story, setting and research, they're really good. It's chronologically accurate, with tie-ins to real world events/people, i.e. the collapse of Lisbon in Rogue and Stede Bonnet in Black Flag.

But what they've done wrong in my opinion is the Naval campaigns. The mini-games you have to play to unlock in game shit that takes obscene amounts of time like fucking 30+h (not sure on the exact time but it was fucking obscene) to complete a mission in Black Flag so I could get that last fucking treasure map for a 100% total sync. I've just finished Rogue and I find myself at the same doorstep. I've finished the main game and is waiting for the fucking Naval campaign to finish so I can unlock all the cosmetic items it gives.

And here's another kicker, the weapons side of things are god damn poorly designed. In Rogue I was able to actually get the Officer's Shortsword (never mind the fact that it's actually a copy of the Officer's Smallswords in Black Flag) that costs 14k and is the best purchasable weapon, faster than I can do all the other challenges for the weapons they unlock. But then here's the thing, the Officer's Shortsword actually is better stats wise than most of the fucking weapons you get from the challenges. There is no other reason to use these other than cosmetics and honestly, the fact that the stats are poorer sometimes put me off from wanting to use them. Why not make them comparable or at least make the purchasable weapons weaker so there's actually an incentive for a player to want to unlock them/use them.

The next stupid thing it does is put chests and animus fragments in the middle of the fucking ocean, like sure, you put them in the city or town or whatever, that's fine. Sometimes it's fun to have to find a way to reach them. But in the middle of the fucking ocean and I have to take a minute or 2 just to sail there for fucking 300 pounds/reales? What the fuck? And it's honestly not the money I'm after but the 100% total sync and it's a fucking waste of time to go look for all of them even though they are mapped on your map.

And also the introduction of weapons like fucking at the second last sequence which is about 80% through the game. In Black Flag you got the Rope Dart last and I never used it unless I had to for the 100% total sync because the thing is, I've gone almost the entire game without needing it, I'm likely not going to need it now as well. Same goes with the grenades in Rogue, they were introduced so late, I never used them, not that I really had a reason to, because the Rope Darts, which you get at the start in Rogue, were so fucking OP. And it's god damn funny to pull gunners off their towers or ledges and watch them fall to their deaths with the worst ragdoll physics I've seen in a triple A game.

And also AC multiplayer. What the literal fuck has Ubisoft been smoking? A game where Assassins try to kill other Assassins? What the fuck? It doesn't work that way. Assassins fight Templars where Assassins get to be more stealthy and Templars better at open battle, sure, I can see that work, but the whole premise of the multiplayer is that everyone has stealth. Then who the fuck is going to die? Really terrible. No one plays it, the entire scene is dead. Which really goes to show how good it is. It's one thing to play co-op like in Unity, but it's really an entire different thing to have an online multiplayer arena style game that they were trying to do.

Have you ever heard of anyone buying an AC title to play multiplayer? No, you haven't. That's because no one does, they buy it for the single player story mode. It's like a CoD or Battlefield player buying the latest release just so they can play the single player campaign. No one does that, they buy it for the multiplayer experience. So why do you even make a multiplayer mode for a game that people only play for the story? The game doesn't need it. In the words of Mr Blanchet, who used to teach me before I switched courses, "If your game doesn't need it, don't put it in,". (Ironically he used to work at Ubisoft.)

It's like Ubisoft is making all these unnecessary, poorly made design choices so that there is an "after-game", except, there is no after-game. Why the fuck would I fire up Black Flag again if there's no missions for me or further progression in the story? Same for Rogue. The only thing I really have left to do is mindlessly killing guards or civilians. And that's pointless and devoid of fun. And really an after-game that unlocks a fucking cosmetic item? What's the point? So I can look cool killing guards?

I honestly hope that Unity, Syndicate and future titles aren't inundated with these crappy design choices. My friend said that Unity doesn't do the shit they do with weapons and outfits but honestly the game from what I heard was bugged to shit and filled with graphical errors, it completely deterred me from wanting to buy it. And honestly, also, it was $49 without discount on the Winter Sales on Steam for the base game, not even some special edition, even half price I wouldn't have got it.